tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-197047802024-03-07T01:36:32.148-06:00Poop's FunnyJust a place where my mind can ramble.Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.comBlogger83125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-87197333901312827032016-04-19T11:34:00.000-05:002016-04-19T11:34:32.946-05:00At 50, a lot of things can be wonky<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjSI7wH9WnrzZzRdntlB3th0aWhGmTEgusXaPilgjCEF4rtL8jSurfrGVatXN9W3EJwdN8DqIHFs_CwRF_EAoA1GnAJrYxU4zq8F8WvDjE3h79bHsv0HNt2ZVQ8IEyLro2G3KX/s1600/kirk50.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjSI7wH9WnrzZzRdntlB3th0aWhGmTEgusXaPilgjCEF4rtL8jSurfrGVatXN9W3EJwdN8DqIHFs_CwRF_EAoA1GnAJrYxU4zq8F8WvDjE3h79bHsv0HNt2ZVQ8IEyLro2G3KX/s320/kirk50.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.25in;">When the human body gets to a
certain age it apparently stops caring. A little extra fat here, an elevated
cholesterol level there, some male pattern baldness and then let’s throw in
hemorrhoids because, well, nature’s mean.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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My last trip to the doctor for a
yearly checkup* was spotless – except for one thing. The doctor said something
was off with my liver.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My liver? My liver? Who ever
thinks about their liver? Raise your hands, people. Anybody? I thought not. …
Hey, you in the back. Put your hand down and stop being a smart ass.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In the course of an average day,
nobody other than a butcher actively thinks about livers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A liver is what Hannibal Lecter
has for dinner with fava beans and a nice chianti. It’s what you get at the
grocery store when buying a whole chicken (and if you think the liver and
gizzards packaged in the cavity are from that chicken, you’re sadly mistaken).
My liver is what saved me from poisoning myself with cheap booze in college
lots of times. Lots and lots.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWDl6QP_OkhcCgxMjkmuBx__Ot4_MWFBMT59koWFDoumXXBkJLRYChWSHAK9vr5K7DGw_x3xovUmnW5U86Nx6KrA3MrF71ndsmOXEGXpbRf36z9A4WfE_fcMofGKtdeQdxduMj/s1600/liver.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWDl6QP_OkhcCgxMjkmuBx__Ot4_MWFBMT59koWFDoumXXBkJLRYChWSHAK9vr5K7DGw_x3xovUmnW5U86Nx6KrA3MrF71ndsmOXEGXpbRf36z9A4WfE_fcMofGKtdeQdxduMj/s320/liver.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Thanks, liver.</i></td></tr>
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And I have never considered my
liver’s feelings. Nope. Not once.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, what does a liver do besides
taste great fried with onions?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Apparently a lot. Our friend the
liver produces proteins vital for blood clotting. Thanks, liver. It breaks down
fat cells and converts them into energy. Gosh, liver, I really need to show you
more attention. Do you like cake?<o:p></o:p></div>
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The liver also removes toxins from
the body like the kind I put into it with my old pal beer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For the first time in my medical
history, my liver enzymes were wonky. Frankly, I’m surprised it was the first
time. None of this stopped my wife from telling me the test showed I probably
had cancer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Guys, the No. 1 thing to look for
in a mate is not if she’s intelligent, or funny, or looks great in cotton
underpants. She needs to be supportive. Thanks for being my rock, honey.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Good God, I’m 50. My liver enzymes
are screwy. My wife thinks I have some kind of No-Humor Tumor. I find myself
more and more often sitting when I go to the bathroom and I want to yell at
neighbor kids who walk on my lawn. What else is wrong with me?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Medical science shows that when a
guy turns 50, depression and dementia become more likely, as do prostate
problems, bladder cancer, impotence, incontinence, testicular issues and heart
disease.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwSdYPwc_vLk_oYF1lLslFWKE6oJQSkTTDc0TszzWTUC2zO7azgdKHS5T7k8_qv032HVzQltsf93UsXrHJBcumaTxh0mTOwn2CjPFkw3D-Wm-SP8Zf6nSBmjIzSe4LPksadoAb/s1600/oldman.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwSdYPwc_vLk_oYF1lLslFWKE6oJQSkTTDc0TszzWTUC2zO7azgdKHS5T7k8_qv032HVzQltsf93UsXrHJBcumaTxh0mTOwn2CjPFkw3D-Wm-SP8Zf6nSBmjIzSe4LPksadoAb/s320/oldman.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Me in a few years realizing I just pooped.</i></td></tr>
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That’s a hell of a lineup. Batting
cleanup is No. 8 Heart Disease. The Big HD is hitting .347 with 114 RBIs.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The males in my family have a
history of heart disease. It could be genetic. It could be our mutual love of
pork products. It could also be that stress is a factor in heart disease and
the Offutt nuclear family is called “nuclear” for a reason.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Turns out wonky liver enzymes are
pretty normal and are sometimes caused by a “fatty liver.” Hmm. Fatty liver?
Sounds about right. I need a sandwich.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>*Go yearly, folks, especially when you’re my age
because after 50, parts don’t just stop working, they fall off.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<i>Check out Jason’s new website at<a href="http://www.jasonoffutt.com/"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">www.jasonoffutt.com</span></a>.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-27263865604420839172016-01-02T19:52:00.000-06:002016-01-02T19:52:11.562-06:00Worst-case scenarios for 2016<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJIEZUbiSFM9IvCRtAA0st_Ei-BYq91Hv1MloogB6GGEkUCc_b7t8kpS8zJNRtVOLsJK2memFYP5AwV58ZT0JueowcHsLoOa_8nDjWF7XxhCSAYABsyluMjCrWRU8gWFEHtlYM/s1600/2016-new-year-ss-1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJIEZUbiSFM9IvCRtAA0st_Ei-BYq91Hv1MloogB6GGEkUCc_b7t8kpS8zJNRtVOLsJK2memFYP5AwV58ZT0JueowcHsLoOa_8nDjWF7XxhCSAYABsyluMjCrWRU8gWFEHtlYM/s400/2016-new-year-ss-1920.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;">The beginning of a new year is often marked
with optimism. You know, a hope for a better tomorrow. But since that garbage
never gets us anywhere, let’s look at 2016 through clearer, more pessimistic
eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">But first, we’re going to return to 2014 to
take a glimpse of our future past.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">According to 2014’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fortune
Magazine </span></i>in 2015<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,</span></i> “Sears will
return to the catalogue,” “Mom jeans get hot” and “The price of lattes will go
up.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">OK, so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fortune </span></i>apparently
lost its edge. Let’s see what that year’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Wired </span></i>said
about 2015:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">“Entrepreneurs will grow by five percent.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">1) Boring.</span></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2) Even more boring.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">“By 2020, the world will generate 50 times
the data of just three years ago.” Nice, but since most of that increased data will
be either porn or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZs3EADi2pQ" target="_blank">cute kitten videos</a>, I’m not sold on its historic importance.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">So, let’s hit you, dear readers, where it
hurts. Here’s what’s really going to happen to us in 2016: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Dolphins around the globe learn to communicate. They tell us they
don’t like what we’ve done with the place and demand Pepperidge Farm Goldfish
crackers that taste like real goldfish.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsvT4tKNC47SVdf7jzmquNhcjbQB65_ScUJwz7zuUcvxPqm2frbHhfcOn3VcLA-FOvtJZqOsW4uRGORQ2KWcgP9YkmAuLCqTdkZnV-PYnRY3CP4Lff0NsYegoZK4wzRUyFgr7I/s1600/dolphin-talk-communication-humans-110906-675567-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsvT4tKNC47SVdf7jzmquNhcjbQB65_ScUJwz7zuUcvxPqm2frbHhfcOn3VcLA-FOvtJZqOsW4uRGORQ2KWcgP9YkmAuLCqTdkZnV-PYnRY3CP4Lff0NsYegoZK4wzRUyFgr7I/s1600/dolphin-talk-communication-humans-110906-675567-.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>No. Fuck you.</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Adam Sandler makes more movies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">America stops believing in hockey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Space aliens finally make first contact. They’ve learned to speak through
reruns of “The Dukes of Hazzard” and nobody takes them seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">NASA announces 2005 BS1, an almost three-acre asteroid, will strike
the earth in 2020 causing cataclysmic damage to the planet. Scientists predict
the only things to survive will be cockroaches and Starbucks coffee shop baristas
who will spell the cockroaches names wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSdlW0lxc1UBA6fq3jbDYVz0eigT2kiMR-ttXuMpMjWURE_7H1fZYbFOD-PjG01j-Tg6O73vg9c2lP20KhRGFypcBWWxZ-2HZSrxCKJ62Kx07agW9WV-2BnhKYCYaD9KxvJCFV/s1600/zombieapozalypse1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="157" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSdlW0lxc1UBA6fq3jbDYVz0eigT2kiMR-ttXuMpMjWURE_7H1fZYbFOD-PjG01j-Tg6O73vg9c2lP20KhRGFypcBWWxZ-2HZSrxCKJ62Kx07agW9WV-2BnhKYCYaD9KxvJCFV/s320/zombieapozalypse1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I really should have gone to the store first.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">The zombie apocalypse is upon us and I haven’t hoarded enough canned
chilli and whiskey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">All NFL referees are reinstated.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner has surgery to turn him/herself back into a
man. Jenner now goes by the @ symbol.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Sylvester Stallone is hassled by a local sheriff and disappears into
the wilderness.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Thinking it’s funny, the military names its new computerized global
alert system Skynet. Our secret robot leaders are pleased.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Scientists create a car that can run on methane from cattle.
Environmentalists are even more worried about gas emissions.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">America is declared a “safe zone” where no one can say anything that
will offend anyone else, so legally the only people who can speak are drunken
German tourists.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsm_po4uuh_yrpXHO23GEXsbXz56cw6w0QgWn-RrRjaZI6NDDLMI8xYEVSIW-sM5_Q_qlJlUBVWeGgUKHYomL6CcG0GnIapAb_skcyKyeMKA7hCP0z-BeWMdgGUAAUTMYzbgqA/s1600/baby-names-for-dummies-21160292.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsm_po4uuh_yrpXHO23GEXsbXz56cw6w0QgWn-RrRjaZI6NDDLMI8xYEVSIW-sM5_Q_qlJlUBVWeGgUKHYomL6CcG0GnIapAb_skcyKyeMKA7hCP0z-BeWMdgGUAAUTMYzbgqA/s320/baby-names-for-dummies-21160292.jpeg" width="250" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Because naming your kid Ricin is just stupid.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Baby names have finally devolved into cartoon sounds. In a couple of
decades there will be doctors, lawyers and airline pilots named Pfft, Twack,
and Bawoosh.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">To pay off Greece’s debt, the EU turns the country into a giant
Chuck E. Cheese’s. The Parthenon is a surprisingly great venue for Skee-Ball. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
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Fukushima nuclear disaster. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Kanye West says something amazingly stupid an egocentric. Yes, again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">The new species of lizard attacks Tokyo.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">A solar flare disrupts satellite communication. College students
drool and bump into things, which means they can’t study, or get to Starbucks,
or spell cockroaches names correctly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB">Seeing their opportunity, talking apes take over the planet. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Thank you. It’s about time.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXEOzoPooJoW1iGg1YZVr_dt4hRbbNHHYASDUm_c2L18IG4FRSDKlaubzE6hDL2WtOmFi-Q0oImqGBb_lGBmQnoMTvylfAhAdq5jMxd7MkzqAqP3MrpqR2CRkKKFCgSbN99YKe/s1600/140711_MOV_Apes.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlarge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXEOzoPooJoW1iGg1YZVr_dt4hRbbNHHYASDUm_c2L18IG4FRSDKlaubzE6hDL2WtOmFi-Q0oImqGBb_lGBmQnoMTvylfAhAdq5jMxd7MkzqAqP3MrpqR2CRkKKFCgSbN99YKe/s320/140711_MOV_Apes.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlarge.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There'll still be Starbucks. Right Caesar?</span></b></td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12pt;">Jason Offutt’s novel, “A Funeral Story is available at amazon.com.</span></span></i><!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-50522550719354550902015-12-18T17:14:00.002-06:002015-12-18T17:20:18.663-06:00Manly Holiday Movies: If it's Christmas, it must be bloody<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQi_ZytGyfFPKLJmTH0X0WtOTsi8pEMJutXtP2cLoJ8jEnt7tmwetBXlVRfn5opHT-mIWFnel_zVQbQ-djWDB6OHp6UA4MHINaso4COfqrFYvW_BKg1FXWCC8_W2o4Q-hFJMa8/s1600/rocky-iv-original-700x393.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQi_ZytGyfFPKLJmTH0X0WtOTsi8pEMJutXtP2cLoJ8jEnt7tmwetBXlVRfn5opHT-mIWFnel_zVQbQ-djWDB6OHp6UA4MHINaso4COfqrFYvW_BKg1FXWCC8_W2o4Q-hFJMa8/s400/rocky-iv-original-700x393.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"Rocky IV:" What says "Christmas" more than Rocky Balboa single-handedly </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>ending the Cold War? </b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the American tradition of ignoring everything
non-football related after Halloween as we bully our way toward Christmas, I
thought I’d take this time to reflect on one of the great American holiday traditions
– movies. But not just any movies, Christmas movies. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s a Wonderful Life”? “A Christmas Story”? “Rudolph, the
Red-Nosed Reindeer”?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blech. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a misunderstanding made by the casual movie fan that
a Christmas movie has to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">about</i>
Christmas. The film needs a message of love, hope, redemption and sappiness.
Not at all. A Christmas movie is simply a movie that happens at Christmastime,
and for a guy, the bloodier the better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So to enhance your yuletide movie watching experience, here
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A Guy’s Top10 Christmas Movies of All
Time</i>:*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Psycho” (1960):</b>
What? You didn’t know the Alfred Hitchcock classic is a Christmas movie? There
are Christmas decorations in the B-roll of Phoenix. That counts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyyp_xJP9PGAw_nM9YNgvoO8s0-Zrdr9GeRnTDXPlgyfkQjxRE3R5xr7Snmvo5bJgqiAeWuzetpvlm1az71qluqFVNGh-6l8RGz0Ks1vXHy3BKOQ3se-OCJnOzPhi17EcUf2F3/s1600/christmas-party.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyyp_xJP9PGAw_nM9YNgvoO8s0-Zrdr9GeRnTDXPlgyfkQjxRE3R5xr7Snmvo5bJgqiAeWuzetpvlm1az71qluqFVNGh-6l8RGz0Ks1vXHy3BKOQ3se-OCJnOzPhi17EcUf2F3/s400/christmas-party.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"American Psycho:" Serial killer Patrick Bateman wondering if those felt </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>antlers could </b></span><b style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">eviscerate that woman.</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “American Psycho”
(2000):</b> This wholly disturbing movie features a scene at an office Christmas
party.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Batman Returns”
(1992):</b> A movie that begins with Pee Wee Herman and his co-star from “Pee
Wee’s Big Adventure” Diane Salinger tossing their newborn in the sewer on
Christmas, it has to be a Christmas movie. It’s OK, folks. The baby survives and
grows up to terrorize Gotham as The Penguin. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“On Her Majesty’s
Secret Service” (1969):</b> Yes, Telly Savalas tries to take over the world
using germ warfare, but he does so during the holidays. Ho, ho, ho. Hope you
got your shopping done early, 007.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “Iron Man 3”
(2013):</b> Tony Stark battles not only the Mandarin and those super freaky
heat-spewing villains, but during the fight scene in Tennessee, my, oh, my,
would you look at all those pretty lights.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZzZujxWO1XVdkhfCJQD_x8jiTcPK_4phCY6-mXiS5vcE3jGxABINPOyzidagu7K4Hs30Upjk8N4j3X-I7BqBuZFkxPlpTD2rhlmviC3KSEAnkxkh72j4n5MpcZibIkGV39XjC/s1600/gremlins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZzZujxWO1XVdkhfCJQD_x8jiTcPK_4phCY6-mXiS5vcE3jGxABINPOyzidagu7K4Hs30Upjk8N4j3X-I7BqBuZFkxPlpTD2rhlmviC3KSEAnkxkh72j4n5MpcZibIkGV39XjC/s320/gremlins.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"Gremlins:" Oh, dear God, it's cute. You hungry little fella?</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
5.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “Gremlins” (1984):</b>
When inventor Randall Peltzer realizes he’s nearly blown Christmas for his
family, he buys a Furby-like creature from Chinatown, complete with cryptic
rules. When those rules are broken, little green murderous monsters overrun his
town and it’s up to two teens and a drunken snowplow operator to save them all.
Now that’s Christmas.<span style="font-family: "times"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“First Blood” (1982):</b>
When ex-Green Beret John Rambo gets run out of town by a redneck sheriff, he
escapes into the mountains and picks off his pursuers one-by-one – at
Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLq5XzTm6KIZcx7M9cGczdpH_Kp94xpSCRmkl6Et1XKFCuhFyiujBWg9mMCnrCv_NzLLdZJaVh_e_IYTi6SPdRqPJJLHzvZByRnYoWkz-Ci4GvVNOvLKPLFZZ__hSlHD3VVj9B/s1600/imgres.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLq5XzTm6KIZcx7M9cGczdpH_Kp94xpSCRmkl6Et1XKFCuhFyiujBWg9mMCnrCv_NzLLdZJaVh_e_IYTi6SPdRqPJJLHzvZByRnYoWkz-Ci4GvVNOvLKPLFZZ__hSlHD3VVj9B/s400/imgres.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"Lethal Weapon:" It oozes holiday spirit. </b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “Lethal Weapon”
(1987):</b> A suicidal cop partnered with a grumpy cop? The holidays? Violence?
What could go wrong?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “Rocky IV” (1985):</b>
Rocky Balboa fighting a Russian killing machine on Christmas Eve at the height
of the Cold War. Not only is “Rocky IV” on this list, it’s the Number One
Christmas Sports movie of all time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> “Die Hard” (1988)</b>:
Bruce Willis vs. Alan Rickman in a skyscraper owned by a Japanese company
during a Christmas party. Gunfire, blood, explosions, quippy one-liners and
Santa hats make “Die Hard” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the</i>
ultimate guy Christmas movie. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yippee-ki-yay.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTKqP86KuxEg3HrKk-MddjxeUjeRdPmgKupi3FEdYNSTlxyBQJVqunOkgVbl7pxSk6_WW4wT2AW15G5xE4fPJhxHoEhLxAgq9PvmoOQvxw5NeBfq5ugxXfJputOxY4CIPG8jiM/s1600/die-hard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTKqP86KuxEg3HrKk-MddjxeUjeRdPmgKupi3FEdYNSTlxyBQJVqunOkgVbl7pxSk6_WW4wT2AW15G5xE4fPJhxHoEhLxAgq9PvmoOQvxw5NeBfq5ugxXfJputOxY4CIPG8jiM/s320/die-hard.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"Die Hard:" The greatest Christmas movie of all time.</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">*Honorable mention. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Jaws:
The Revenge” (1987):</b> Sure, “Jaws: The Revenge” has a ridiculous plot (a
great white takes revenge on the Brody family), it rated zero on the Rotten
Tomatoes review site (if it could have gotten worse, it would have) and the
tagline “This time it’s personal” isn’t even close to the first movie’s “Don't
go in the water,” but the “The Revenge” is not without its charm. Especially
when a 25-foot shark starts its eating frenzy a few days before Christmas.</span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason’s parody
survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is
available at amazon.com.</i> </div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-50882998923691434212015-12-14T21:15:00.000-06:002015-12-14T21:23:16.235-06:00The light side of the Force is pretty dark<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZsHnp22UJbylj6wEJ-bdsoj6MqlwuttNxzpwYJBaWiXrubt3Bvq8uU87la6ovUq11zYCR55s0kfeODO8zea-hMqudpSNi25BJ-xxdIhf4xMwWtg9KsXkWVHBEJ2F9Mb7lZyjT/s1600/boob-grab-star-wars-carrie-fisher-Chewbacca-princess-leia-hd-934x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZsHnp22UJbylj6wEJ-bdsoj6MqlwuttNxzpwYJBaWiXrubt3Bvq8uU87la6ovUq11zYCR55s0kfeODO8zea-hMqudpSNi25BJ-xxdIhf4xMwWtg9KsXkWVHBEJ2F9Mb7lZyjT/s400/boob-grab-star-wars-carrie-fisher-Chewbacca-princess-leia-hd-934x.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Star Wars" is nothing like you remembered.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="text-indent: 9pt;">I saw “Star Wars” in the theater.
All six movies. Although I regret George Lucas’ blatant money grab with the
prequels, the earliest three movies helped shape my childhood more than I should
probably admit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
“Star Wars” showed me a simple
farm boy (which I was) can be important. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
“The Empire Strikes Back” helped
me realize nothing is ever as it seems.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
“Return of the Jedi” made me think
Ewoks probably taste delicious. No, that’s not it. “Jedi” told me the good guys
win in the end.</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_AkURew1oGFUy65AQ7PcZCqapbbEFvv0uGzVsW5TReiHoYDK9f5JYCxt1JVT4aWwxpLZwJJ-g4A3luDMyEWbeom7ppLLOz1Rb1ifP5V0tTa9cN_EVNIGopzoBTHcDfNpiyOYy/s1600/luke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_AkURew1oGFUy65AQ7PcZCqapbbEFvv0uGzVsW5TReiHoYDK9f5JYCxt1JVT4aWwxpLZwJJ-g4A3luDMyEWbeom7ppLLOz1Rb1ifP5V0tTa9cN_EVNIGopzoBTHcDfNpiyOYy/s320/luke.jpg" width="232" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Complete dick.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Boy, did that trilogy set me up
for disappointment later in life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Here’s why:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
1. Although a simple farm boy is
the hero of the first trilogy, he’s not a nice guy. Luke Skywalker is, quite
simply, a dick.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
According to the “Luke Kill Count”
at Polygon.com, during Episodes IV, V, and IV, Luke killed 369,740 people.
Admittedly 342,953 were aboard the Death Star when he destroyed it to rid the
galaxy of tyranny, but minus that he’s still personally responsible for enough
deaths to depopulate a medium-sized city.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Given the same three movies, ultra-bad
guy Darth Vader killed, oh, let’s see, 11 people. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eleven</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
So, who is the real villain of
“Star Wars?” What do you say, Magic 8 Ball? “Signs point to
Luke Skywalker.” You might be right.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
2. Although Obi Wan Kenobi plays
the part of the compassionate, all-knowing mentor to Luke, he’s an asshole.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Early in the first film when Luke
asks about his father, Kenobi quickly takes the stance of Blame Vader: “He
betrayed and murdered your father.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Huh? Wait. Kenobi also said he was
Vader’s teacher, and Luke’s father’s friend. But Vader is Luke’s father, so
maybe Kenobi isn’t actually the affable old fart he pretends to be. Kenobi
is a treacherous liar who’s poisoning the mind of a young, naive farm boy
simply to make him do Kenobi’s will. We'll never know where Luke pointed to on his action figure when the counselor asked, "where did he touch you?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLyLlcICBwf2RN3cK5mTLcaKKY76yhfci3YwAPp7J1zQYIKR3neMdd60T2ZMPaaUYJZ6vUO_GvNhqSEgRjBtRp9cB-ateuJGTlzgtpTLfreuCN6yR3exEy94cX1JrjYs8XIhDr/s1600/Han-Chewie-Movie-Still-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLyLlcICBwf2RN3cK5mTLcaKKY76yhfci3YwAPp7J1zQYIKR3neMdd60T2ZMPaaUYJZ6vUO_GvNhqSEgRjBtRp9cB-ateuJGTlzgtpTLfreuCN6yR3exEy94cX1JrjYs8XIhDr/s400/Han-Chewie-Movie-Still-3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We're the good guys. Promise. Wanna ride in my space Camaro?</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
3. The only characters that care
about anyone are Han and Chewbacca. Yes, the honest good guys in the entire
original trilogy are a pirate and his pet Bigfoot. This includes the fact that
Han Solo kills a bounty hunter and shrugs it off like he’s late for a bridge
game.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
The other heroes are much worse.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
In “Star Wars,” Luke arrives at
his home to find Stormtroopers have not only been there before him, but they
murdered his uncle and aunt – the only family he’s ever known – and
set them on fire on what was essentially their front porch. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And he doesn’t care. </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
It gets darker.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
When Grand Moff Tarkin ordered the
destruction of the planet Alderaan, Princess Leia watched her home planet
explode like a cheap firework and had all the reaction of a character from a
“Twilight” movie (my wife forced them on me. I take no responsibility). She
didn’t seem to care 2 billion people – including what she thinks is her
family – just died.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Hopefully the upcoming “The Force
Awakens” soothes the pain. My head hurts.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Nvs5A8NMdhpJvHKS5Yi4l7aZFLqaC59lZWVUbWdZ_V6AcB8ldABifNLYk1KPtWIO50jw1Y2_7tuKkbNlD0XHr7aiZ4tktLCdtwv3cYbywuJDfEP03zjh2me2aa3WpmB1SPf3/s1600/Alderaan.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Nvs5A8NMdhpJvHKS5Yi4l7aZFLqaC59lZWVUbWdZ_V6AcB8ldABifNLYk1KPtWIO50jw1Y2_7tuKkbNlD0XHr7aiZ4tktLCdtwv3cYbywuJDfEP03zjh2me2aa3WpmB1SPf3/s1600/Alderaan.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. May I have a pudding cup now?</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common
Household Items,” is available at amazon.com. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-76895661224734350902015-11-17T17:52:00.001-06:002015-11-17T17:56:18.186-06:00Coffee will either kill us, or turn us into superhumans<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
There were times when I thought my
17 years as a journalist would eventually take its toll on my health.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgatDyfdsrXJ_9FkEagOmmd6t8-eT60dV7-7zHRT3gX4IFqcB09xvLj_rD3rjtFNEaTxjrjj4NBhnOCIbq21Kr5ByVciYimo-tN0bhBd_4DYbMqQ1JACkZsAlyv1OGYXSSGmi4W/s1600/writer-typing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgatDyfdsrXJ_9FkEagOmmd6t8-eT60dV7-7zHRT3gX4IFqcB09xvLj_rD3rjtFNEaTxjrjj4NBhnOCIbq21Kr5ByVciYimo-tN0bhBd_4DYbMqQ1JACkZsAlyv1OGYXSSGmi4W/s320/writer-typing.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: 12.8px; text-indent: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Missing? A bottle of scotch.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Before I go any further I must say
every stereotype you’ve ever heard about journalists is true. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->We
eat horribly. Probably half a journalist’s meager paycheck goes into the
vending machines in the break room, our freezer is filled with microwavable
boxes and election night pizza is the greatest gift to mankind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Our
desks are examples of what not to do when company comes over. The only thing
messier than a journalist’s desk is a town after a tornado. And there is food
on that desk covered in notes from a months old city council meeting. It’s
probably still good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Given
our penchant for correcting grammar, we’re not fun friends to have on social
media. We publicly mock those we barely know for using the wrong form of
“there,” and feel good about ourselves after, until we get punched in the nose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
There are plenty more correct
stereotypes – don’t even get me started about hygiene. Please, don’t – but
those are minor compared to the two most glaring stereotypes ever exhibited by
journalists from the likes of Mike Royko to Hunter S. Thompson (if those names
don’t ring a bell insert Perry White and Lou Grant). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Xa3hDSVj3oPRpOSbHdwOTG6DVPhNApuyfhO034JU7soeoaxeo-Agnb2T8_mPOTJoGCkoYEHazetjDIqtTIEJYXv38q3ZaWIuWLHIgtfBWJqbnCHnHa6Uft_GW78m6oMnE7vY/s1600/Ernest_Hemingway_at_the_Finca_Vigia_Cuba_-_NARA_cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Xa3hDSVj3oPRpOSbHdwOTG6DVPhNApuyfhO034JU7soeoaxeo-Agnb2T8_mPOTJoGCkoYEHazetjDIqtTIEJYXv38q3ZaWIuWLHIgtfBWJqbnCHnHa6Uft_GW78m6oMnE7vY/s320/Ernest_Hemingway_at_the_Finca_Vigia_Cuba_-_NARA_cropped.jpg" width="236" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: 12.8px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I said that was my last beer. Back away.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The first is booze.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Many writers drink. Edgar Allen
Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Faulkner, the list of whiskey-hounds is too
long to finish, so I’ll skip to Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway wasn’t just a
writer; he was a journalist and never met a bottle he didn’t empty, usually
before noon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
But as romanticized as boozing
journalists have become, journalists drink something a lot more often than alcohol
– coffee.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
According to the UK’s Guardian
newspaper, 85 percent of 10,000 journalists surveyed claimed to drink at least
three cups of coffee a day, and 70 percent of them “admitted that their working
ability would be affected without a daily mug of coffee.” Journalists, the
study found, drink more coffee than do cops.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
That’s a lot. Enough to be
dangerous? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Over the years coffee has been
blamed for an increased risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease and
schizophrenia-like symptoms. Although coffee has recently been removed from the
list of Items that Cause Cancer, Cardiovascular Disease and Other Things Nature
is Trying to Kill You With, it still messes with your brain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
According to livescience.com,
people (journalists count as people) who drink three cups of coffee a day are
“more likely to hallucinate.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRKgKgtVZHv_KzcjecBJyWuLGaHm7RLPwe-HjENrkjGm0BYO2VmZB-oAkGPGwsXt9R6hcueXBGzJfT4hIWhUSFv5zlyQeI89kqZfBwRm_x8teB2bIYPJwe7mzZEqodIonwifiO/s1600/superman-typing-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRKgKgtVZHv_KzcjecBJyWuLGaHm7RLPwe-HjENrkjGm0BYO2VmZB-oAkGPGwsXt9R6hcueXBGzJfT4hIWhUSFv5zlyQeI89kqZfBwRm_x8teB2bIYPJwe7mzZEqodIonwifiO/s1600/superman-typing-300x225.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: 12.8px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We all feel like that behind the keyboard.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Cool.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
But that’s not the good news. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
A recent study of 27,793 coffee
drinkers over a 10-year period showed drinking three cups of coffee a day
(enough to make you see things that aren’t there) protects your liver, the one
thing many writers and journalists have been trying to destroy with booze all
these years. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
So coffee turns writers and
journalists into some kind of supermen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Did journalism give me bad heath?
I think not.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at amazon.com. </i><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-3022017172967974062015-11-10T17:57:00.002-06:002015-11-10T17:57:41.046-06:00Dear Young People, Look Up From Your Phones<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzCjrKnsnmup1t68D1n_E7T8f9_Fu5q9XgOBzByZz7gEzri5iCbXpQBIE0RecmZJty_R02STj99p0A8ci7VqRc6Sqb0tMdtfU2P46gHzdMOYxt1Jmy2REDFWbLrt2K4g46HS_2/s1600/Telegraph.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzCjrKnsnmup1t68D1n_E7T8f9_Fu5q9XgOBzByZz7gEzri5iCbXpQBIE0RecmZJty_R02STj99p0A8ci7VqRc6Sqb0tMdtfU2P46gHzdMOYxt1Jmy2REDFWbLrt2K4g46HS_2/s400/Telegraph.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Telegraph. Why shouldn't I be vexed? (It's British. They <br />wouldn't stoop to the word "upset.")</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">The essay by the 16-year-old British girl
was upsetting. No, it was more than that; it was as annoying as that obnoxious
guy who uses a semi-colon in the right place.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Sorry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">The essay, that appeared in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">London Telegraph</span></i>, was entitled simply, “Dear old people: why
should I turn off my phone?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Excuse me? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Well, if you weren’t too busy taking
selfies in the bathroom mirror (please close the lid) I’d tell you why. While
you’re at it, get off my lawn. Wait she’s British. Get out of my garden.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Geez, I sound old.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnERoVf3Gp71owq1k1mM7DujWJG5R1i2bFtwhyphenhyphenjl1HkaIptPqOjPBFhyphenhyphentkZpXFM_Ba0zMBRNHK070z60yG264NJrju6hARgx6MESPwugLPLdlIQQQzwJyJcOclS79OYO03hfLV/s1600/IMG_3928_3481630b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnERoVf3Gp71owq1k1mM7DujWJG5R1i2bFtwhyphenhyphenjl1HkaIptPqOjPBFhyphenhyphentkZpXFM_Ba0zMBRNHK070z60yG264NJrju6hARgx6MESPwugLPLdlIQQQzwJyJcOclS79OYO03hfLV/s320/IMG_3928_3481630b.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>"Dear old people" author Sally Parker in a <br />selfie. Stop making fun of me, Sally.</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">“I often hear,” the girl, Sally Parker,
wrote, “that my generation is absorbed in our phones and unaware of
what is going on in the world. These kinds of opinions come from,
unsurprisingly, people aged 45 and above – that is, the people who were not born
into the world of the Internet and are used to a life without it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">OK, Sally, I’m with you so far. We old
farts are out of touch. I get that. But do you really need to take pictures of
everything? No one cares what you had for lunch. And really, are you going to
watch that video of the rock concert you attended, or would you remember it
better if you’d just watched it?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I don’t know. Let’s ask science.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Psychology professor Maryanne Garry from
the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand said in an NPR interview
that seeing the world through a smartphone makes people pay less attention to
what’s happening around them. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">"I think that the problem is that
people are giving away being in the moment," she said. "They've got a
thousand photos and then they just dump the photos somewhere and don't really
look at them very much."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Linda Henkel, a psychologist at Fairfield
University in Connecticut, agrees. She discovered what she calls the
Photo-Taking Impairment Effect.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">"The objects that they had taken photos
of – they actually remembered fewer of them and remembered fewer details about
those objects…rather than if they had just looked at them,” she told NPR.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Then there’s the Internet.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">“Another myth this pre-Internet generation
has come up with,” Parker wrote, “is that we are just mindlessly scrolling on
our phones. When you see a teenager with a friend, one on their phone and not
talking to the other, you have no idea what they are doing. The one on their
phone could be looking up an article they read on the Conservative party
conference.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Or they could just be playing Candy Crush.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Parker defends her generation’s use of the
Internet on their phones because they use it for research. Problem is, they probably
aren’t learning anything.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hint: Not me, ever.</span></b></td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Adrian F. Ward, a researcher at the
University of Colorado and Matthew Fisher of Yale University discovered in
different studies that most people using the Internet to answer questions (59
percent of those studied) were only in it for an answer, not knowledge.
Fisher found that students became overly confident of their understanding of a
subject just because they’d looked it up on Google.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">"In that Internet mindset,
you think you know things," Fisher said. “People are more
inclined to remember where the information is stored than the information
itself.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Although I am in Sally Parker’s “aged 45
and above” category, I do understand one thing. This world is one massive solar
flare away from losing all our communication satellites. If that happens, I
might just read a book, or take a walk. And if I take a walk, I’ll try not to
step on anyone younger than me who’s curled into the fetal position because
their phone doesn’t work.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason’s parody survival guide,
“How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available as an e-book
at amazon.com.</span></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-45800332768725091762015-10-31T09:58:00.003-05:002015-10-31T09:58:46.401-05:00FD&C Blue No. 1? Mmm, my favorite<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjImFmezRizbkHVhHB2D27vkeq29x7JE5PgMyABx-M1a_TtMq4ZGANFzMN1HVM1t8cmjp6994FlWkFAkqgaOHaLovd56aTcxXRLU0HnUa8FdFMb6XsCuo8DAFwmNiRNeKZLLGjA/s1600/ewrwrewr45435fds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjImFmezRizbkHVhHB2D27vkeq29x7JE5PgMyABx-M1a_TtMq4ZGANFzMN1HVM1t8cmjp6994FlWkFAkqgaOHaLovd56aTcxXRLU0HnUa8FdFMb6XsCuo8DAFwmNiRNeKZLLGjA/s400/ewrwrewr45435fds.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Something evil lurks in your gastrointestinal tract.</b></td></tr>
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<br /></div>
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When it comes to body parts, it’s
easy to overlook our friend the colon – unless you’ve eaten Burger King’s
Halloween burger, then you’ll start to worry about it. Seriously. Why hasn’t it
written for so long, or even called?<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Halloween burger’s bun is
black. The results are not.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Burger King already sells black
burgers in its restaurants in Japan. The buns, colored by squid ink, are black,
the cheese is black, the sauce is black and the result is as appetizing as
pictures from a 1960s cookbook. You know, like the classic Pie Plate Salad. A
can of mixed vegetables set in lemon gelatin and covered in tartar sauce. Yum.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The black burgers are popular in
Japan (so, I can only assume, is Pie Plate Salad). So popular Burger King
brought the burgers to America and marketed the item as a Halloween item. The
outcome is scary.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIeqGfAZZPSv0s8fl8j7GZBu6V_jtHg8-bTdRHP9I5MTAm63OupPeASn6oQqW-ATd8ENgOejrAD7dwsL6FKXqAb8BzUsMdg2ekbwE_e-mLywsnR2OHxRlcZrvKdca9hROwpwWM/s1600/burger-king-launches-black-shogun-burger-japan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIeqGfAZZPSv0s8fl8j7GZBu6V_jtHg8-bTdRHP9I5MTAm63OupPeASn6oQqW-ATd8ENgOejrAD7dwsL6FKXqAb8BzUsMdg2ekbwE_e-mLywsnR2OHxRlcZrvKdca9hROwpwWM/s400/burger-king-launches-black-shogun-burger-japan.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Would you eat something that looked like it just lost a boxing match?</b></td></tr>
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The burgers turn people’s poop
bright green. I can see college students waking up with a headache wondering
why they got drunk and ate a box of crayons.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The problem is the bun. Unlike
the squid ink used in Japanese buns, in America – a relatively squid-free
country – the bun is turned black by A.1. Steak Sauce, D&C Red No. 40,
molasses powder and FD&C Blue No. 1.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Mmm. FD&C Blue No. 1.<o:p></o:p></div>
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According to an article on
foxnews.com, New York City physician Dr. Robert Glatter said the human body
can’t break down these dyes, which brings us back to our colon. Those dyes have
to go somewhere, and when they do they make us take notice because strangely
colored poop could mean anything from gallbladder disease, to celiac disease to
cancer. So, thanks Burger King.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But Burger King wasn’t the first
commercial food provider to scare us down under. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2DUbq0QdnVpcgzwIXE2UJUAkxw9H_FMKzLkkT92oBvMKpKC-PEhVRg-wWbtu14Ba_UW6tHRLFb7nw8cQcz5mZAEkPZW4ZK_tAc0vcY4uP2YHV8lzm2FCGINnrVErPBAibDfYW/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2DUbq0QdnVpcgzwIXE2UJUAkxw9H_FMKzLkkT92oBvMKpKC-PEhVRg-wWbtu14Ba_UW6tHRLFb7nw8cQcz5mZAEkPZW4ZK_tAc0vcY4uP2YHV8lzm2FCGINnrVErPBAibDfYW/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Sure, I trust this guy.</b></td></tr>
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When it comes to Halloween food,
General Mills was once king. With the likes of Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Yummy
Mummy, Fruit Brute and Franken Berry cereals, children across the country could
watch Scooby-Doo on Saturday mornings with their favorite bowl of terror in
their lap.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The most frightening was Franken
Berry. The box that featured a grinning Frankenstein-like affront to nature
held pink, ghost-shaped cereal and marshmallows, which turned the milk pink.
That’s not all.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Packed with FD&C No. 2 and
No. 3, Franken Berry turned kid’s poop bright pink, according to Smithsonian.com
(and probably mothers from the 1970s who are still screaming).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Doctors had a highly scientific
term for this condition – “Franken Berry Stool.” I think it’s Latin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A 1972 study on Franken Berry
published in the journal “Pediatrics,” was prompted by parents who rushed their
12-year-old boy to the hospital because, well, here’s a description from the
study. Remember, a doctor wrote these words: “The stool had no abnormal odor
but looked like strawberry ice cream.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Great.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Flaming Hot Cheetos can turn
stool red. A few pints of Guinness Extra Stout will make it black. Blue Velvet
Cake makes you wonder if you’ve eaten a Smurf. And beets –<o:p></o:p></div>
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Never mind. Nobody eats beets.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>This may turn my poop black. I'm OK with that.</b></td></tr>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason’s novel, “A Funeral Story,” is available at Amazon.com.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-33753259521867087612015-10-12T20:46:00.003-05:002015-10-12T21:38:26.470-05:00Parent Date Night. Yeah, that's funny<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBB_vmXnFvXq9ZBd7vxT1moP7CGT7xUs_5v13nF8QPLS4YDshonYTQonKFlmiz1IqAl3gFMNdSxYtKcyp_y3HuGLiWOVSLMhyphenhyphen7AK8Q1IbFK3Hh1kiYAueB_b4dC3EgTXN7bPPX/s1600/Celebrating+with+parents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBB_vmXnFvXq9ZBd7vxT1moP7CGT7xUs_5v13nF8QPLS4YDshonYTQonKFlmiz1IqAl3gFMNdSxYtKcyp_y3HuGLiWOVSLMhyphenhyphen7AK8Q1IbFK3Hh1kiYAueB_b4dC3EgTXN7bPPX/s400/Celebrating+with+parents.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Please. For the love of God, call for help. She won't let us leave.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was date night, the kind of night parents of young
children think only happens in movies. That’s usually true. The genre? Fantasy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The night didn’t come together easily. Much like
readying a space launch, the preparation for parents to leave the house without
the smaller versions of themselves takes months, a few hundred people, “Star
Trek” technology and a minimum investment of $1 billion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The idea for our date began with a startling
statement.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Danilo
Ilić </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">(a fairly angry Bosinan Serb)</span></i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">
“I’m bored. Hey, you want to go assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand of
Austria?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gavrilo
Princip </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">(shrugging)</span></i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">
“Sure.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">No, wait. That’s how World War I started. Our
night began something like this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“We should go on a date,” my wife said, catching
me off guard because the words were as foreign as “je ne sais quoi,” which I
totally do not have. Date? Dates are what the locals ate in old French Foreign
Legion desert movies. I hardly knew how palm fruit applied to us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Sure,” I said. If I’ve learned anything about my
wife it’s to agree with whatever she says, even if I don’t understand it, and
tell her she looks nice. Otherwise I lay low.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A date night? Seriously? The science behinds
date nights is simple. Parents have as much chance leaving the house alone as linear
elements have adhering to Euclidean space – amiright? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">… crickets
…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">… crickets
…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgtxmDr_GLJ34pdeZ53EVIq_hOkc9zUoA9EfHRFqhXt-RUmZqYR_9QleFeznlh2-ElZcTysEWafxt2urpLRb6SjFCaWoyGih_igl9aWltHmeK7-Lv48wZ4lcfZ4JdEKDsrS2fJ/s1600/KidsOnLegs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgtxmDr_GLJ34pdeZ53EVIq_hOkc9zUoA9EfHRFqhXt-RUmZqYR_9QleFeznlh2-ElZcTysEWafxt2urpLRb6SjFCaWoyGih_igl9aWltHmeK7-Lv48wZ4lcfZ4JdEKDsrS2fJ/s320/KidsOnLegs.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Children saying good-bye. Before and after.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There are so many things parents have to take
into consideration just to walk out the door it’s like mounting a military
offensive every time we’re out of milk. Dates are a luxury. Parents aren’t like
those crazy, devil-may-care singles that can step outside on a whim without a
four-year-old clinging to their leg giggling, or screaming, or sobbing
uncontrollably. Usually all of the above. Yes, all of the above can happen at
the same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With that one statement (“We should go on a date”)
in minutes the plans were set into motion. We were going to a place where we
could hold hands without anyone smaller than us saying “eww” and we were going
to enjoy ourselves if we still remembered how. My wife had spoken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Date night
checklist:<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Escape
plan? Check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Restaurant
that doesn’t serve French fries or include toys with a children’s meal? Check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Babysitter
who doesn’t have a prison tattoo and is still brave enough to take care of our children?
Check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 45.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 45.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At
least intending not to run out the door laughing? Check.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Once the babysitter arrived we were out the
door. And, yes, we were laughing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s an interesting phenomena that when adults
who’ve structured their entire communication system around explaining to their children
“why,” once these adults are removed from the children they no longer know how
to speak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sitting at the restaurant, smiling at each other
over breadsticks, my wife produced a page she’d ripped from a magazine
headlined, “Date Night Questions.” She’s always prepared. Good for her. If the
night’s conversation were left to me I’d probably talk about something crazy
like beer, or football. Or beer and football. Or order a beer at someplace where
we could watch football.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“What country would you most like to visit?” she
asked, leaning forward and looking at me in my eyes. My actual eyes. “And why?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“England,” I said. “Because they speak English.
It’s even in the title of the country.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Fine. Great effort,” she said. “How about this
one? On a scale of one to 10, how cool are you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Twenty-seven.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Her eyes glanced back to me, then to the
magazine page, then to me again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You know, if we have to ask how cool we are,
especially from a date night article out of a parenting magazine, chances are
we’re not cool at all,” she said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I knew I married this woman for a reason. She’s
smart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqULgVi3wKzmNQaBVLsnMtkHJLFO_keZXR9lODmeNKPsqy2Qd2XtG4xi1YjFiJBM_6IlcBQn4o3P7TlcB-D0qZbpr6NFkBD15jd2yRrwNjU80d87FswTmOU3Z_G6ipKJLy04bK/s1600/76123473.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqULgVi3wKzmNQaBVLsnMtkHJLFO_keZXR9lODmeNKPsqy2Qd2XtG4xi1YjFiJBM_6IlcBQn4o3P7TlcB-D0qZbpr6NFkBD15jd2yRrwNjU80d87FswTmOU3Z_G6ipKJLy04bK/s320/76123473.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Oh, shit. This is how we got the kids in the first place.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Everything went smoothly from that point. We had
drinks, food, drinks, fought the urge to talk about our children, made fun of
the young couple eating next to us who obviously didn’t have children (they
were discussing a movie that didn’t involve super heroes) and had more drinks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When we got home, we still remembered our
children’s names, but didn’t say them because they were asleep. Excellent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My wife paid the babysitter, who then got on her
Harley (actually a Yamaha scooter with an “I </span><span style="font-family: "Zapf Dingbats"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-variant: small-caps;">ª </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Trees” sticker on the
front) and drove into the night undamaged. I’d expected to come home to
discover the kids had tied the sitter to a chair that was for some reason on
fire. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Whew.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Maybe if my wife and I do this date thing enough
we’ll eventually get good at it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>Jason's latest books, "A Funeral Story," and "How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items," are available at amazon.com.</i></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-18020861572588224442014-12-20T19:11:00.005-06:002014-12-20T19:12:00.770-06:00'A Funeral Story'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWYxD1Y9ky46W3IimbPwOvcdSowFtcK73Kqap2vA_Bdfnl1mMC1_YMLjFHXj4SH3peLZCodOGcFPNydUeCGZR-RHcsOFW_0z-44qRd3Ph1UKVbMTPPUFl3UWAvTXpyIO7adJiX/s1600/Offutt-FUNERAL-Cover-Final-A.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Jason Offutt’s first novel, “<span style="color: windowtext;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Funeral-Story-Jason-Offutt/dp/0692350071/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419123828&sr=1-3&keywords=jason+offutt">A FuneralStory</a></span>,” is here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Flirting with the bereaved isn’t easy Deever Dickson is a
normal guy. He has friends, mows the lawn, bowls on Saturday, and hates his
job. But Deever has a secret. A secret that rates so high on the Creepometer he
can’t tell anyone – ever. Deever Dickson has sex with strangers at funerals.
Deever’s adept at keeping his sex life hidden. What he never anticipated was
meeting Marissa, a woman with the same hobby, and falling for her – hard. When
someone close to Deever dies at the biggest science fiction convention of the
year this is one funeral Deever and his new relationship are not prepared for.
Filled with romance, funerals, beer, bowling, and a time machine, A Funeral
Story chronicles the love of Deever Dickson, a normal guy with an abnormal
secret.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You can find “<span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Funeral-Story-Jason-Offutt/dp/0692350071/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419123828&sr=1-3&keywords=jason+offutt">A FuneralStory</a></span>” at <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Funeral-Story-Jason-Offutt/dp/0692350071/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419123828&sr=1-3&keywords=jason+offutt">amazon.com</a></span>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-4860809338596235792014-07-05T22:15:00.002-05:002015-09-09T13:04:56.848-05:00It's a phone, it's a computer, it has too many buttons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The telephone, to me, has always
been a tool. You know tools. Like that woogly one you bought 10 years ago to
replace the faucet in the bathroom and haven’t used since.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve never like telephones. I’ve
always figured anyone who wants to talk to me badly enough to call must have some
sort of separation anxiety and should probably work on that in therapy instead
of bothering me while I’m on the toilet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So it really bothered me when I
realized I traveled enough it would only make sense to invest in a cell phone
for safety reasons. That was eight years ago. I got the cheapest I could, a
stone box you probably saw on “The Flintstones.” The one with the bird inside
who carved the telephone conversation into granite and flew it off to whomever Fred
was trying to call.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My cell phone was marvelous. I
could call people on it. Period. I couldn’t text, I couldn’t take pictures, and
if I ever wondered who played the oldest Von Trapp kid* in “The Sound of Music,”
I could just wait until I got home to look it up. Seriously. It wouldn’t even
bother me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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That phone was the size of a deck
of cards that was missing most of three suits, and hardy as a Scotsman. I
dropped it into a lake in 2008 and it still worked fine.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Of course, the day came when I had
to get a new one. I held on as long as possible, but it was as hard to find
parts for my talk-only phone as a 1946 DeSoto. When the battery went, I knew
technology had past me by.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So my wife and I went to the phone
store. It wasn’t called the phone store, but it was a store that sold phones,
so it should have been.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Walking around the phone store was
like walking around the bridge of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">U.S.S.
Enterprise</i>. There were more screens flashing, chirping, and warning us we
were approaching the Klingon Neutral Zone than should have been possible in
such a small room.<o:p></o:p></div>
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With any of these telephones, the
user could text, email, IM on Facebook, Tweet, update their blog, watch “The
Walking Dead,” order pizza, and maybe – just maybe – place a
telephone call. I bet any one of them could solve that Von Trapp kid problem if
I’d bothered to touch one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m not anti-technology. I love
technology. Hulu is fantastic, I’m still somewhat humbled by the microwave, I
like wiping a thermometer across a forehead instead of having to, uh, you know,
and I appreciate, although am somewhat terrified by, the fact that I can see
the outside of my house from my computer screen without ever having to get up
from the couch.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I was more than happy when my
wife and I made it out of the store with a brand new cell phone each. Ones that
we can call people on.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m surprised a company still
makes them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">*Nicholas Hammond (Friedrich von Trapp)
played Peter Parker in “The Amazing Spider-Man” TV series from 1977 to 1979. I don’t
really care about “The Sound of Music,” but I do care about Spider-Man.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run
through the Upper Midwest,” is available at The Daily Forum.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-26656302690247666152014-07-02T14:53:00.002-05:002014-07-02T14:53:14.735-05:00You’re advertising what now?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The ad was out of place<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">My wife and I were watching a BBC teen
comedy raunch-fest about a group of mismatched first year college students
forced to share a house, when we noticed something odd.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">“I noticed something odd,” my wife said
in an amazing display of knowing precisely what I was going to write the next
morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">“You mean the commercial?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">She nodded. “It doesn’t really fit, does
it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">No, it did not. All the previous
commercials for birth control and pimple cream went along with the theme of the
show. Especially the birth control disclaimers, which, if these won’t keep
young people from having sex, nothing will – symptoms include blood clots,
sudden high fever, vomiting, diarrhea, fainting, liver tumors, high blood
pressure, headaches, depression, weight gain, acne, and I believe your gall
bladder explodes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The odd commercial was for erectile
dysfunction, and it was played during a program that’s core demographic were
people who still get I.D.ed buying cigarettes. Why would a company run a
commercial during a young person’s program featuring people who were basically
Abe Vigoda and Olivia de Havilland getting frisky? By the way, both actors are
still alive, and in their 90s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">A poll I’m not making up (I actually did
read it, I just don’t remember where) shows 60 percent of Americans believe
advertising is out of control. With ads on things we wear, an </span><span style="color: black; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">87,000-square-foot
KFC logo in the Nevada desert that can be seen from space, </span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">and
erectile dysfunction commercials during what is basically the British version
of Beavis and Butthead, I’m not surprised. </span><span style="color: black; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTJoyR70nCWi7eWrTXGOQzEu4HPzFhliU0WOjdzZlNUhcOhWeqoakbKbHb2CeY9U5Qwbf53YT8OWsYDcAdxYBfVj-fLvJhX2u26Ul11r_RZ17_84GyabVc_4vjaolJ6REXZqPH/s1600/0_61_kfc_logo_desert.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTJoyR70nCWi7eWrTXGOQzEu4HPzFhliU0WOjdzZlNUhcOhWeqoakbKbHb2CeY9U5Qwbf53YT8OWsYDcAdxYBfVj-fLvJhX2u26Ul11r_RZ17_84GyabVc_4vjaolJ6REXZqPH/s1600/0_61_kfc_logo_desert.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Astronauts love the DoubleDown.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The same poll showed 61 percent of
Americans, who must have seen the Abe Vigoda/Olivia de Havilland commercial,
have a negative opinion of advertising. Every time a lapful of cologne-scented
cards falls from a magazine, I get the same feeling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Of course, we can do nothing but deal
with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Ad space makes up 50 percent of a
magazine, and 60 to 80 percent of a newspaper. Radio stations run about 28
minutes of advertising every hour, and television runs 13:52 minutes an hour.
Of course, that doesn’t take into consideration the 7:59 minutes of product
placements within the programs themselves. The Internet? Pfft. Every web page
looks like a NASCAR driver’s uniform.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Yeah. Deal with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I listen to sports talk in the morning
while cooking breakfast for the kids before I shove them out the door to the
school bus and go back to bed. No erectile dysfunction commercials. No, not
here. Just commercials for testosterone replacement therapy (the Girl hasn’t
asked what that is yet. Phew), and beer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Beer commercials? At 6:30 a.m.? Who are
they trying to reach? Sure, Bud Man has been hopelessly unemployed for decades,
but I’d hope he has something more constructive to do than drink beer before 7
a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I’m not against advertising. Heck, it
paid my salary for almost 20 years. I just want it to get out of my face.
There, I’m taking a stand. I won’t spend money on obnoxious advertising.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And ... I’m wearing a Kansas City Chiefs
T-shirt. Wow. I’m part of the problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><br /></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Jason
Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the
Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.</span></i><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-32135196967194278392014-06-10T14:15:00.000-05:002015-09-09T13:05:25.446-05:00Take me out to the old bounce house<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It was the perfect night for baseball.
Sunny, with temperatures in the mid-70s and my family was there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oh, yeah. My family. We were at a
baseball game and I’m the only person in my family who likes baseball. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I take that back. I’m the only person
in my family who likes sports. The Boy enjoys watching football with me for the
cheese dip and chili at halftime, but once the food’s gone, so is he. When attending
a sporting event comes up, my wife tells horror stories of childhood baseball
games.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So why aren’t I going alone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oh, yeah, the bounce house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The May 28 St. Joseph Mustangs game
versus the Rossville Rattlers* was “Life’s a Beach Night.” Dollar nachos, $2.50
margaritas, and a bounce house to keep the kids from asking for food between
every pitch. Perfect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With nachos and enough napkins for
everyone – seriously, everyone in the ballpark. Offutts are messy – we found
our seats just in time for the first pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">First
Inning:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Hey,” the Boy said. “She got more nachos than me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Girl, whose eating methods can best
be described as the Pick and Giggle, is always the last person eating. Her
plastic bowl was half full. The Boy’s was empty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“She didn’t get more than you,” my wife
said. “She just eats slower. Now calm down.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He stared at his mother for a minute,
looking for any loophole that would lead to more nachos. Situations like this
make me wonder if he’ll go into law.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Second
Inning:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> The Girl tugged at my wife. “I want to go to the bouncy
house.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Bottom
of the Second:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “What are they doing?” my wife asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of the beautiful things about
having a nine and seven year old is they’re big enough we can parent without standing,
or walking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I don’t know,” I said. He’d stood with
his sister by the bounce house for half an inning. I got up to check. It’s not
like I wanted to watch the game or anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Third
Inning:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “The bounce house costs a dollar,” I told my wife when I
got back to our seats.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“That’s (colorful expletive),” she
said, and got up to complain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Bottom
of the Third: </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My wife sat down. “She can bounce all night for free.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don’t know what she said or to whom,
and I don’t want to know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fourth
Inning: </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Can we get peanuts?” the Boy asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Not now,” I said. “I’m trying to watch
the game.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fifth
Inning:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Can we get popcorn?” the Boy asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Not now. I’m trying to watch the
game.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sixth
Inning: </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Do you want to split a chili dog?” my wife asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Really? Am I the only one who realizes
there’s a game?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Bottom
of the Sixth: </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Girl showed up, her hair matted with sweat. “They told
me I had to take a break from bouncing.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She complains about family walks yet
can bounce for three innings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Seventh
Inning: </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We bought ice cream and went home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yep, we lasted until the seventh
inning, which is a record for us. My family was asleep before we hit the
interstate. My goal is to see an entire game one of these days. Maybe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">*Rossville,
I discovered, is a city somewhere in central Kansas. Town motto, “Wheat.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jason
Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the
Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-37985195103046265162014-05-22T18:18:00.001-05:002014-05-22T18:18:29.834-05:00I'd Like a McTerrifying, and a Diet Coke to go, please<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVIB35EZaoHhmy6r7knMw1WE-uWq6-eIFf791j48brvs_gNjlvGbTRhuu-gvo65ocVWWcb6spfzLbPVD5Cp-CNVUZgbW22RkFZwYj-PRLQa4tossk28_R6TnxcinbzXzM-qS_/s1600/HappyTerrifying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVIB35EZaoHhmy6r7knMw1WE-uWq6-eIFf791j48brvs_gNjlvGbTRhuu-gvo65ocVWWcb6spfzLbPVD5Cp-CNVUZgbW22RkFZwYj-PRLQa4tossk28_R6TnxcinbzXzM-qS_/s1600/HappyTerrifying.jpg" height="320" width="304" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">McDonald’s
has a new mascot for its Happy Meals. You know the Happy Meal, a hamburger/French
fry/soda/toy combo that used to come with a cookie (cheapskates), that’s now a
hamburger/cheeseburger/McNugget/French fry/apple slices/soda/milk/toy combo (although
no child would order apple slices and milk on purpose).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">That
mascot is Happy. We’ll talk about Happy soon enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
McDonald’s corporation has always mystified and somewhat frightened me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mystified
in the sense that I know what I’m eating is bad for me, and I know what I’m
eating is probably taking years off my life, so why I’m I still eating it? And
why am I making “nom nom nom” noises?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Frightened
in the sense that McDonald’s is so good at selling these addictive, fatty hamburgers
it has 35,000 locations worldwide, nearly half of those in the United States. Urp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oh,
and there’s the clown. Clowns scare the hell out of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
first McDonald’s mascot was Speedee, an overweight little man in a chef’s
uniform, who had a hamburger for a face. This wasn’t an advertising gimmick; it’s
just what McDonald’s employees looked like in the 1950s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">In
1962, McDonald’s replaced Speedee, who was at least friendly and didn’t want to
swallow your soul, with Ronald McDonald, who did. What the McDonald’s corporation
didn’t take into consideration with Ronald is that 15 percent of the population
suffers from coulrophobia, a fear of clowns. The percentage of the population
that is left-handed is only 13 percent. This means absolutely nothing, except
for the fact that there are roughly 6.28 million more Americans terrified by
the McDonald’s mascot than are left handed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">That’s
a lot. I’m just saying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">However,
the terror didn’t stop there. In the 1970s, McDonald’s unveiled McDonaldland, an
entire world of terrifying mascots; hamburger-headed politicians and police
officers, a purple shake-gulping blob, French Fry Goblins, and dancing
McNuggets. There’s a rule on the farm, “Don’t give livestock names. Nobody
wants to eat a hamburger named Suzie.” Or, in this case, Mayor McCheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now
there’s Happy. An animated Happy Meal box with blue eyes (although only eight
percent of the world’s population has blue eyes. Hmm), cartoon appendages and a
mouth <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">STRAIGHT OUT OF A NIGHTMARE.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">This
thing’s gaping black maw has a tongue the size of a human foot and more teeth
than a dinosaur. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Little Johnny:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Why’s it smiling like that, Dad?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dad:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes that shark, he
looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark,
he’s got lifeless eyes …”</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Little Johnny: “</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is McDonald’s, Dad. Not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dad: “</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Don’t be so sure, son.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">You’d
think a $97 billion corporation could afford to hire someone to, oh, I don’t
know, keep their main Happy Meal demographic from wetting themselves in terror.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A
good mascot makes people say, “Awe. How cute. I want one, too.” Like Gidget,
the Taco Bell Chihuahua.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A
good mascot does not make people cover their eyes screaming, “Oh, for all that
is holy. Kill it. Kill it with fire.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks,
McDonald’s. I may not sleep tonight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jason Offutt’s latest book,
“Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the Upper Midwest,” is
available at amazon.com.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-42133707521246245332014-05-12T19:41:00.003-05:002015-09-09T13:04:03.345-05:00The recipe calls for Neufchâtel. What’s a Neufchâtel?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">My mom was a great cook. I inherited her full freezer
when she died, so I got to enjoy her meals a little bit longer (don’t tell my
sisters). I also inherited from her the love of cooking, except my interest was
mainly driven by a love of eating.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">It went something like this: raw food + gnawing hunger
= casserole. Simple.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Although I could prepare meals in high school, my
first real foray into the culinary arts didn’t occur until college. Sitting in
my kitchen/living room area of my trailer with $10 in my wallet, I thought
hungry thoughts. It’s not good to budget on an empty stomach. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">With that $10 I could buy:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 27.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a)<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Gas.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 27.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">b)<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]-->A
couple of frozen pizzas and ramen noodles.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 27.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">c)<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Beer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I chose C, of course. Duh. I didn’t need gas; I knew
how to walk. But that didn’t alleviate the problem. I was still hungry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Rifling through my pantry I found random food items my
mother had sent me during the semester I hadn’t eaten because, well, look at
them: dry lentils, a can of peas, and a jar of bay leaves. I also found a pound
of hamburger in the freezer, a lone carrot in the refrigerator, salt and
pepper. In an act of desperation, I threw them together in an old Crock-Pot and
created something delicious (well, at least edible). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">The result; I’m no slouch in the kitchen (Ty Webb to
Judge Smails in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Caddyshack</span></i>: “Don't sell yourself
short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch”). So I hate it when I find a recipe
that treats me like I didn’t learn how to cook by doing eeny, meeny, miny,
moe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Case in point, I’m looking at a recipe that calls for
Neufchâtel. Nothing screws up a perfectly good recipe like something French.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">What the heck is Neufchâtel? I’m trying to make a
simple salsa dip, and I get a town Napoleon took from the King of Prussia.
What’s that have to do with salsa dip?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">OK, OK. Deep slow breaths, Offutt. Deep slow breaths.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Turns out the American version of Neufchâtel is
basically cream cheese. Why didn’t the recipe just say so?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">This happens to me more than I’d like. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Sweet potato, onion, flour tortillas, cheddar cheese,
lemon? Great. I know what all those are. And … a Dollop of crème fraîche? I’d
have better luck making this dish if the recipe told me to cut off my own
fingers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">And it doesn’t end with crème fraîche. Oh, no. There’s
Demerara sugar. What is Demerara Sugar? Sounds like a stripper name. Oh, wait, it’s
brown sugar.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Same thing with passata. Did my recipe just curse at
me in Klingon? No, it’s a kind of tomato sauce. Farfalle pasta is apparently
bow-tie pasta. Emmental cheese is often called by its redneck name, Swiss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Ugh. I think I’ll stick with ingredients I can
pronounce.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a
Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the Upper Midwest,” is available at
amazon.com.</span></span></i><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-72190856105641005462014-04-24T17:30:00.002-05:002014-04-24T17:30:38.280-05:00If the warning label makes sense you’re too far gone<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The machine makes an awful noise,
but it’s fun to play with. Ah, the paper shredder, an office worker’s version
of a chainsaw.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
The shredder was one of the last
presents my mom gave me, although as a journalist I wasn’t quite sure what kind
of papers I had that were important enough to shred. Certainly nothing to do
with my finances, which mainly consisted of the change I had left over after I
paid my bar tab.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Anything worth destroying I did
the old fashioned way, I soaked it in gin and set it on fire.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But since then I got married and found
my wife is averse to me setting fires in our yard. I’ve also discovered the
paper shredder is a great way to destroy eviden… Uh, old tax documents. Yeah.
Old tax documents.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then, when recently destroying,
uh, old tax documents, I saw something I’d never noticed before, a warning
label, which is strange because it’s right on the top where you feed in the
papers. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Hmm. A warning label on something
called a “paper shredder” seems a bit superfluous. I mean, come on, the machine
is called a shredder. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SHREDDER.</i> That’s
the main villain from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” If you use this machine
wrong it will roundhouse kick you in face. I thought that was understood.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But there it was. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
“No jewelry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
OK.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
“No paper clips.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
Sure, yeah. That would damage the
machinery.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“No fingers.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I thought we’d been over this.
It’s called a shredder. It shreds things. That’s all it does. Why did the
manufacturer feel it necessary to tell the operator not to stick his fingers into
the shredder? The warning should read, “No cheese.” I hate using a cheese
grater. This would save so much time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“No neckties.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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First, the image is funny. Some
guy leans over, his tie gets stuck in the shredder; it pulls him closer and
closer to the Knives of Doom. He shrieks because he doesn’t realize his thumb is
right next to the well marked “off” button. Oh, slapstick comedy, you’ve
desensitized me so.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“No hair.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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See, “No neckties.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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This is where we sit today. On the
shoulders of idiots. In what other country are there product labels warning you
that you shouldn’t use a Vidal Sassoon hairdryer while sleeping, music lovers
shouldn’t eat their iPod Shuffle (but it said Apple on the box), people who buy
a Rowenta iron should never “iron clothes while they are being worn,” or
pyromaniacs shouldn’t put Black Cat firecrackers “in mouth.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Seriously?<o:p></o:p></div>
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The reason these warning labels
aren’t funny (they are) is simple. Someone had to do every one of these things.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Fell asleep with a running hair
dryer? Happened.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Swallowed an iPod? Happened.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ironed clothes while wearing them?
Heck, I’ve done it. In my defense, it’s not like I was ironing my pants. The
article of clothing was a necktie, and I wasn’t inserting it into a paper
shredder at the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Shoved ignited firecrackers into a
mouth? Happened, most probably in Arkansas.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Political hacks, survivalists, and
conspiracy theorists claim this country is seeing its last days. We are, but
not from an impending apocalypse. It’s because we have people not smart enough
to run a paper shredder.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My head hurts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run
through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-81460209048516321042014-02-17T23:10:00.002-06:002014-02-17T23:10:54.038-06:00Somehow the Parts Come Together<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The movie theater parking lot was more
full than I’d ever seen it, and this was just for a Sunday matinee. The lot at
our local theater was never this crowded, even on Middle Age Date Night for a
movie starring Paul Rudd, or Jennifer Aniston, or Paul Rudd <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> Jennifer Aniston (God, help me).<o:p></o:p></div>
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I parked and my family piled out
of the minivan to trek to the theater through frigid temperatures all the way from
the back of the lot. <o:p></o:p></div>
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That’s funny because it’s a complete
lie. As any father has probably guessed, I let my family out at the front door
and went to park 14 miles away, trudging through the snow, ice, and wolves by
myself as my family stood in the warm comfort of the theater lobby asking each
other what was taking Daddy so long. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It was cold. The kind of cold that
froze breath in your mustache (at least if you were a man, or a yeti, or had a
glandular problem, or something). There’s a kind of family hierarchical
structure that assumes all fathers were sherpas in a past life and everyone
else was a Disney princess. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Possibly not true.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But we got there. The important
part wasn’t that we arrived at the theater in time for the movie, but we got
there in time to buy slushies and popcorn, and I had a moment to go to the
bathroom before the show started. I once missed Darth Vader cutting off Luke’s
hand due to an extra-large Coke, and vowed missing a minute of a movie would
never happen to me again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It hasn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even for “The Lego Movie,” which
we were there to see.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The concept of “The Lego Movie”
both impressed and concerned me. Impressed because this was commercialism at
its finest. After purchasing toy rights for Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry
Potter, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Simpsons, DC Comics, Indiana Jones, and
quite possibly me, why not take these franchises, smoosh them together and make
a quadraziillion dollars? And not just from the movie, from all the Legos toys
they’d sell later.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was perfect. Kids love Legos, parents
of today’s kids grew up loving Legos, the Billund, Denmark, company The Lego
Group, is still <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">selling</i> Legos. Why
not?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was concerned because this was simply
a 100-minute advertisement for something my kids would want me to buy for them.
If you don’t have children you probably have no idea that the entire Lego Star
Wars set alone costs more than my house.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Turns out, the movie was funny,
thoughtful, and not only made the Boy and the Girl laugh and enjoy each other’s
company on the drive home (usually 10 minutes in the car is like a UFC match),
it gave Mom and Dad a present.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ever since we watched the movie,
the Boy’s played with all the Legos he’s ignored since roughly the moment he
opened them as a present.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thank you “The Lego Movie.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run
through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-31849818941316072472013-12-27T17:00:00.000-06:002013-12-27T17:00:04.514-06:00When in Danger, Remember to be Australian<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I’m worried about America, and not
for the obvious reasons. The crumbling economy, the rise in violent crime and the
fact that “Keeping up with the Kardashians” is starting its ninth season are minor
in comparison. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My concern is because we’ve gotten
soft. Animals can sense this. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Let’s look at the following
headlines:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 27.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->“Guy Tosses Meat to Bear, Gets Mauled” (OK, soft
and stupid).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->“Donkey Kills Texas Mayor.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 27.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->“Newt Gingrich Bitten by Penguin.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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It might sound like I made up that
last one, but according to the Associated Press, while visiting the St. Louis
Zoo in 2012, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was bitten by a Magellanic
penguin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Americans, more concerned with hair
care products, the price of Botox and how to get a Merlot stain out of the
carpet, have lost the killer instinct that made animals run screaming from people
like Teddy Roosevelt and Ernest Hemmingway.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The cure? When confronted by any
animal, just ask yourself this, what would an Australian do?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Headline: </b>“Shark Attack Victim Survived By Poking Animal In The Eye.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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A Great White Shark tried to
swallow Australian abalone diver Eric Nerhus, 41, in 2007.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’ve never felt fear like it ’til
I was inside those jaws, with those teeth getting dragged across my body,”
Nerhus said on Channel Nine television network.<o:p></o:p></div>
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With his head and one arm starting
to go down the shark’s throat, Nerhus jabbed out the shark’s eyes with his free
hand and the shark let him go. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Headline:</b> “Woman, 94, Battles Rogue Kangaroo.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ninety-four-year-old Phyllis
Johnson hung the wash outside her home in the Australian Outback when an adult
red kangaroo attacked her in 2011, according to Newser.com. The animal
repeatedly kicked Johnson before the nonagenarian beat the snot out of it with
a broom. Adult male red kangaroos can grow up to eight feet tall and weight 200
pounds.<span style="background: white; color: #666666; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Headline:</b> “Fisherman Fist-Fights Crocodile, Survives.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yoann Galeran swam in the ocean
outside an Australian yacht club when an eight-foot-crocodile attacked him in April
2013, according to The National Post. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“It went straight away to the top
of my head and diving under the water he tried to do that spinning thing,”
Galeran told The Post.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When Galeran realized his head was
in the croc’s mouth, he pulled back and started punching the reptile, which swam
away. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The kicker? Galeran is French.
Australia even turns the French into fearless animal-punching machines.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s what happens in America.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Headline:</b> “Residents report attacks by squirrel.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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People in the small town of
Bennington, Vt., have been terrorized by a “rogue” gray squirrel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man shoveling snow was attacked by this
squirrel in 2011.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“All of a sudden I felt something
on my back and shoulders, scratching,” shoveler Kevin McDonald told The
Bennington Banner.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Although McDonald threw the
squirrel off his back, it jumped back on twice, scratching and biting McDonald
who ran inside his house to escape the rodent.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The next day McDonald’s neighbor “battled”
the squirrel with a metal pole and blanket, according to The Banner.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The squirrel attacked at least
three people.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A squirrel.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, the next time you’re
confronted with any angry animal, remember to stop, drop, and be Australian.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run
through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-47618889119200898182013-07-24T18:02:00.002-05:002013-07-24T18:02:27.729-05:00Want an Autographed Copy of Jason's New Book?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Jason Offutt’s newest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An
epic beer run through the Upper Midwest” – called “a great read” on
Amazon.com – is available NOW. For an autographed copy, send a check or
money order for $17.50 (hey, I’m giving half off on postage) to:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Jason Offutt<o:p></o:p></div>
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P.O. Box 501<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maryville, MO 64468<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
OR<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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You can get it through Paypal using the email address:
sjasonoffutt@gmail.com<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And you know what? The book really is a great read. But you
knew I was going to say that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jason<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmdaykItlRTQ7kPnNoCTFMTCdgf-q3H8kh2xtqzSwrCWklHFFXQ9M2Uw-m2AS_Qx5Id26PfmQCAgmldpLa126yOKDVlpMgOxYySMxEvNJ4Dy5WfdNmZW0g0GekvT8VoggtyUt5/s1600/Across+a+Corn+Swept+Land+Cover_Across+a+Corn+Swept+Land+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmdaykItlRTQ7kPnNoCTFMTCdgf-q3H8kh2xtqzSwrCWklHFFXQ9M2Uw-m2AS_Qx5Id26PfmQCAgmldpLa126yOKDVlpMgOxYySMxEvNJ4Dy5WfdNmZW0g0GekvT8VoggtyUt5/s320/Across+a+Corn+Swept+Land+Cover_Across+a+Corn+Swept+Land+copy.jpg" width="211" /></a></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-4922629484282810192012-12-06T20:41:00.002-06:002012-12-06T20:41:45.658-06:00Who Knew Barf Could Be So Fun?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 9pt;">The
call was disguised panic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Jason,”
the voice said. It was my wife’s friend Chris who lives in Omaha. She and her
husband were watching our children so my wife and I could have a couple’s night
out in, yes, Omaha (city motto, “we’re not just corn anymore”). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We’d
left the children with them at noon the day before, and everything seemed normal.
Well, as normal as a situation can be that involves a boy who lives in the “Star
Wars” universe and girl who thinks she’s a cat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“You’re
coming over at 11, right?” Chris asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Something
was obviously wrong. Since Chris could still speak, this meant one of two
things: 1) the kids hadn’t bound and gagged her. Seriously, I was concerned
about this, or 2) they held her at gunpoint and were issuing demands.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">That
was still a possibility.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My
wife looked at the hotel room’s clock. “It’s 10:30 a.m.,” she said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Sure,”
I told Chris. I could almost feel her sigh.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Good,”
she said. “The Boy threw up.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s
a helpless feeling to be away from a sick child. As soon as we have children a
parent’s main purpose on this planet is to protect them. Our secondary purpose
is to embarrass them in middle school, but the Boy and the Girl weren’t old
enough for that yet, so let’s go with care. My wife and I packed and checked
out of the hotel in about 38 seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Although
I drove a little faster than I was supposed to, we both knew deep down the Boy
was OK. This has to do with every child’s three superpowers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">1)
The ability to surprise us, whether by being polite, or with sweet ninja moves.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2)
The ability to know when their parents are about to fool around, then do
everything they can to make us stop trying.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">3)
The ability to throw up for no apparent reason, which they generally follow with
running around the house scarfing Cheetos. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Exhibit
A: Legoland.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">During
the summer, after a lunch consisting of one part chicken-like things, one part
French fries, one part Coca-Cola, and five parts grease, the Girl threw up in
the “build and race your own Lego cars” section. Well, actually she threw up in
my wife’s cupped hands. Nice catch, Honey. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A
few minutes later the Girl ran around the slide and ball pit area like she
hadn’t filled Mom’s hands with her stomach.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Exhibit
B: the Store.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Walking
down the aisles at the store last week, the Girl let it fly for no reason other
than she hadn’t thrown up in awhile. She played a lot on the swing set when she
got home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Although
to the childless a kid throwing up this much must make you want to call child
protective services. PUT THE PHONE DOWN NOW. For parents, kids throwing up more
often than they put their plates in the sink is normal.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">As
was the Boy, although we kept a bucket next to him for the next six hours.
Maybe we should do that all the time, you know, just to protect the carpets. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Jason Offutt’s column has been in continuous
publication since 1998 appearing in newspapers and magazines across the United
States. Follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.</span></span></i><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-84824927145382657982012-11-14T14:18:00.000-06:002012-11-14T14:18:08.388-06:00I learned everything from television<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The
Boy sat at the kitchen table and pouted. When it comes to after-school
activities, homework isn’t his favorite. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Second
grade staples like spelling, math and reading all rank below saving the
universe with Legos spaceships, playing army, and throwing rocks at his sister.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“The
next word is ground,” his mother read from his spelling worksheet. Ground? I
think when I was in second grade we were still drawing Thanksgiving turkeys by
tracing our hand. I’m not sure I could spell “ground.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I
hate this stupid spelling,” the Boy said, not even blinking at his use of the
S-word.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I
get spelling. I understand its importance, I appreciate the nuances of its
rules that make no sense, and I enjoy correcting someone’s spelling when doughnut
becomes “donut,” gray becomes “grey” and theater becomes “theatre.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yeah,
I’m that guy. But don’t ask me about math; my head doesn’t work that way. I’m
afraid the Boy and the Girl are on their own as soon as they advance to
fractions.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Spelling
is important,” I said to him, and followed that up with something more boring.
“Grown ups have to spell every day.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The
Boy sat silently for a moment, then said something so clear, so insightful, so simple
it dragged me back to elementary school.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I
wish I could learn from TV,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Wow.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When
I was a kid, I came home from school, ate a snack of white bread spread with actual
butter and sprinkled with granulated sugar (it’s crack), then sat in front of
the TV to do my homework.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yes,
you read that correctly: 1) my mom was trying to poison me, and 2) I watched
“Gilligan’s Island” as I studied the American Revolution. And you know what? My
grades were just fine; I accredit that to the lessons I learned from TV. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">• In life there are pretty people, rich people,
stupid people, wholesome people, friendly people, and smart people. And, if
they’re shipwrecked together the stupid person will ruin everyone’s life. <b><i>Solution:</i></b><i> Kill him
and eat him.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">• The villain is always the first person you see
in an episode of Scooby Doo.<b><i> Solution:</i></b><i> Be polite to the wandering stranger carrying a circa-1822 candle lamp
along the lonely dirt road, then call 9-1-1. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">• Untested and insane theories in physics always
work when the <i>Enterprise</i> is plummeting toward a
planet and the captain just had sex with a green woman.<b><i> Solution:</i></b><i> Green women are awesome.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">• I don’t care if you’re a witch, or your father
looks like the guy who used to hock Jell-O pudding, you’re the only sane person
in the neighborhood. All your neighbors are whacky.<b><i> Solution:</i></b><i> Lock your doors and never go outside.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 27.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">• Sometimes rabbits dress in drag. Maybe not in
your garden or on Animal Planet, but it happens.<b><i> Solution:</i></b><i> Shotguns do not work on these rabbits. Neither do Tasmanian Devils, or
explosives. Just ignore him and maybe he’ll go away.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 9.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My
kids don’t watch much TV. I hope they’ll be OK in life.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-58453066800303535912012-10-18T10:19:00.003-05:002012-10-18T10:19:34.511-05:00Weekly Offutt Wii Competitive Sibling Super Mario Brothers Death Match<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The man in
the red hat ran and jumped, hurtling a bloodthirsty Venus flytrap in some
far-off jungle filled with pits, giant mushrooms, and deadly turtles. A man
with a green hat ran far behind him.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Wait,” a
voice called. “Wait for me.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Silence. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“I’m serious,”
the voice called again. “Wait.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The man in
red leapt over a pipe and grabbed a flagpole, and the man in green fell off the
side of the world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Aaarrrrggg,”
the voice screamed, then the Boy knocked the Girl off the couch and the two
children rolled on the carpet until one of them cried. It didn’t really matter
which one. They take turns.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Welcome to
the Weekly Offutt Wii Competitive Sibling Super Mario Brothers Death Match.
Whoever came up with the idea that video games would be more fun if multiple
players had to work together to win must have been an only child. Brothers and
sisters operate under a series of peace treaties more breakable than soap
bubbles; forcing them to cooperate isn’t natural.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">My wife
and I discovered this when we upgraded our one-player-at-a-time Super NES video
game system (circa 1992) to a multi-player Wii to make sure our children had an
adequate platform from which to launch peer-bonding conversations about pop
culture.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">OK, that’s
a lie. We just wanted them to leave us alone for five minutes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">We quickly
found children will never leave their parents alone for five minutes. I should
have seen this coming; I was once a kid with a video game.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">My first
video game system was an Atari 2600. Space Invaders, Pac Man, Demon Attack, ExciteBike,
Dig Dug; I had all the most popular 8-bit games that, looking back, weren’t
nearly as fun as walking down to the creek and throwing rocks at frogs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">But my
Atari 2600 taught my young mind something important – video games are serious
business.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;"><i>“Woe to
the one who steps in front of the television,” The Book of Zelda, 4:27.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Dad,” the
Boy yelled from the basement family room my wife and I had hoped was far enough
away from the rest of the house we wouldn’t get dragged into this very thing.
We were wrong. “She’s not playing right again.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">To guys
video games are training programs for real life. Somewhere in our heads float
the understanding that one day we will have jump on the head of an intelligent,
evil <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=19704780" name="_GoBack"></a>turtleman to save the life of a princess. We will
catch the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. And we will have to mow down the
living dead with machine guns that are, for some reason, lying around an
abandoned amusement park.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">So when
your sister doesn’t take this responsibility with the same level of
seriousness, it’s a problem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Well,”
the Girl yelled back. “Mario is just stupid.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The Boy
reset the game, and the dance began again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">What did
kids do before video games? Well, household firearms and zombies were a lot
more common back then. I told you they were training programs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Jason
Offutt’s column has been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in
newspapers and magazines across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter
@TheJasonOffutt.</i></span><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-461990909663538812012-10-11T12:29:00.000-05:002012-10-11T12:29:02.080-05:00Dining With Feral Children<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">The clock on the minivan radio read 4:59 p.m. as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. One minute to five? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Wait a second,” I said to my wife as she opened the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Why?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“It’s not five o’clock. … OK, now it is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Five p.m. is not a normal time to be in a restaurant unless you work there; with these exceptions, 1) you have a senior discount, 2) you have children, and 3) you’re already at the bar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">My wife and I were Number 2, had a coupon so we were nearly Number 1, and if the children behaved like they did during The Dinner of Doom, we’d wish we were Number 3.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">A shiver ran through me just thinking of The Dinner of Doom. The Boy was four, the Girl two, and I was one step closer to death. They jumped on every empty bench, they spilled every water glass. Call me paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the hostess dialed 9-1 and kept her index finger over the 1, just waiting for us to leave. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Maybe things would be better this time. I mean, that was three years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Good evening,” our hostess said, her smile meaning our pictures weren’t tacked up behind the station under a handwritten notice reading, “Do NOT serve these people. Immediately call the National Guard.” That was a good sign.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Four?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">My wife said yes, and we followed the hostess into the dining room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">People sat a two other tables, one single man and a couple with a senior discount. The hostess seated us dangerously close to the single man, who immediately ordered another Budweiser. I don’t know if that was because of us, but I wouldn’t doubt it. Word gets around.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Well, we were seated. In a restaurant. With the kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Children come in two types, polite, and feral. The problem for parents is the types coexist inside the same child and we never know which one is going to be the dominant personality in a given situation. I always brace myself for feral.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Have we decided?” our waiter asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“I would like chicken nuggets, please,” the Boy said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Yes, chicken nuggets, please,” the Girl squawked excitedly. “With French fries.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Two pleases? This dinner outing had already gone better than I’d hoped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Of course, we all knew the food would eventually come. Back during the era of The Dinner of Doom, my wife and I ate in shifts. One fielding the children while the other ate like we’d been lost in the forest for a week. Now …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">The children ate without complaint. I could taste my food. And … OK, so that was just one glass of Sprite spilled onto the floor. Oh, no. The Girl said she was full. And, yes. She shot out of her chair and landed with a plop onto the empty booth opposite ours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Can I take this home?” the Boy asked, pointing at the food remaining on his plate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">My wife and I looked at each other. It was time; we were just minutes away from a nice family dinner devolving into something from Animal Planet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">We paid and left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“The couple is still there,” my wife said as we stepped into the parking lot. “Why can’t we stay in a restaurant longer than 30 minutes?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“Because,” I said, “they’re a couple, we’re a quadruple.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;">Jason Offutt’s column has been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in newspapers and magazin<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>es across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-52840071332387328422012-10-04T12:22:00.002-05:002012-10-04T12:22:59.976-05:00Saturday Soccer Gigglefest-O-Rama<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Fall soccer is probably pretty exciting. The running, the
not scoring, the weather that’s as unpredictable as a squirrel.</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">But I’ve
never seen soccer in its competitive form. I have a kindergartner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Put
together two teams of five- and six-year-old girls and the soccer match becomes
less like a sport, and more like a birthday party. If the ball were filled with
candy, it would be perfect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The Girl
plays youth soccer on Saturdays and is still a little miffed her team color isn’t
pink. Her team name is, however, The Butterflies, so she’ll let that slide.
Just this once.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Is it my
soccer day?” the Girl asked one Saturday morning, although she’d asked the same
question not a half-hour before.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Yes,” I
told her. “At 2 o’clock.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“Can I get
dressed for soccer right now?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">If I
couldn’t feel her level of excitement for the game sizzling in the air, I would
have thought all the jumping and squatting meant she had to pee.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“No, it’s
only 9 in the morning,” I said. “Let’s work on breakfast first.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“OK,” she
said, still bouncing. “I hope they have treats and juice at the game.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The thrill
of soccer to a little girl; post-game snacks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">There are
a few rules for all youth sports. One of which is this: small children are like
test animals. To encourage a test animal to exhibit X-behavior, promise
X-reward. For rats solving a maze, it’s cheese. For monkeys putting the square
peg in the square hole, it’s fruit. For kindergarten girls playing soccer, it’s
Goldfish and a juice box.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">As we made
our way down the sidelines with our canvas lawn chairs, a shiver ran through
me. What would happen if a parent forgot a snack? What if that parent was me?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Oh, wait.
A Wal-Mart bag with boxes inside sat next to a team mom. Whew.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Another
rule: parents must practice the sport at home with their children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">I can go
on record saying I’ve done that. Not as much as a parent who played sports in
high school does, but in-season the kids and I have occasionally played catch,
practiced batting, and made use of the basketball goal that came with the
house. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Give me a
break; I’m good with Legos. Besides, youth girls soccer teams have their
practice before the game.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“OK,” the
coach said, pointing at the Girl. “Dribble to the goal.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">The Girl
looked at the ball which was, of course, pink, bent and picked it up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">“No hands,”
the coach yelled. “No hands.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">Not
looking at her coach, or apparently hearing him, she started walking as fast as
she could bouncing the ball from her hand to the ground, hand to the ground,
hand to the ground. I was impressed. You know how hard it is to dribble on
grass? She’d never done that well in the driveway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">In my
defense, I know nothing about soccer. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;">I’d make a
terrible coach.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Jason
Offutt’s column has been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in
newspapers and magazines across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter
@TheJasonOffutt.</i></span><span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-65067724994329675102012-05-26T17:51:00.000-05:002012-05-26T17:51:59.830-05:00Leave finances to those who can count<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When
I was single, I had a simple budgeting system for monthly expenses. It had to
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
my system worked and it involved peanut butter. Creamy, of course. Crunchy
would have thrown off the whole financial dynamic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
saved the plastic jars, ran them through the dishwasher (at least twice. Peanut
butter would probably make a good Spackle if it didn’t attract mice and small
children), and labeled them “Laundry,” “Groceries,” “Entertainment,”
“Utilities,” “Rent,” “Gas,” and “Beer.” You know, the important stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
put x-number of dollars into each jar and when the money was gone, it was gone.
This way I could tuck the rest into savings, and if I held off on laundry and
didn’t drive anywhere, I could roll over any leftover cash into the dusty jar
marked “Hooters.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Enter
my soon-to-be fiancé people now call Mrs. Offutt. Poking through the kitchen
cabinets of my tiny apartment, she found various plastic jars that rattled with
loose change.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“What
are these?” she asked, and I told her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You’ll
never follow this,” she said, laughed, shut my cabinet and crushed any desire
to be responsible with my money again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">After
10 years of marriage, she sat me down to go over The Plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
want to pay off the mortgage early,” she said flatly, almost accusingly. I too
wanted to pay off the mortgage, early would be nice, but I wouldn’t have
thought of actually doing it. She did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“OK,”
I said. OK works nicely in most marital situations. It can be interpreted as ‘I
agree with you,’ or ‘I recognize and appreciate the fact that you’re talking to
me.’ You can use either one to get out of trouble when your spouse realizes
you’re not listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
have these envelopes,” she said, holding them up as visual aids. “They’re
labeled ‘Grocery,’ ‘Family,’ ‘Gas,’ ‘Entertainment,’ ‘Beer.’” I almost teared
up; she’d thought of me. “I put x-number of dollars in each envelope and when
the money is gone, it’s gone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unlike
déjà vu, I knew<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>where I’d experienced
this before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Peanut
butter jars,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Huh?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Before
we were married I had this same system, but I kept the money in peanut butter
jars. You said I’d never follow it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She
shrugged. “You will now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Why?”
I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Because,”
she said, brandishing her visual aid. “It’s envelopes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
will never stand in the way of my wife’s financial plans because, frankly, if I
walked out the door with our life savings, I’d come home with magic beans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Later
that day, while getting cash for the envelopes, the bank teller told her a lot
of customers used this system found in a popular book, and asked my wife if she
had the planner that came along with the book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“No,”
my wife said. “If you really want to save money, why buy the book? Just check
it out at the library.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
that’s why she handles our money. I’d have bought the book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jason Offutt’s column has
been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in newspapers and magazines
across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></span><br />
<!--EndFragment--></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19704780.post-38340633019460872122011-05-02T09:20:00.000-05:002011-05-02T09:20:19.762-05:00Post Traumatic Mall Syndrome<i>Author's note: It's been forever since I posted here (sorry guys). I've been too wrapped up with ghosts and goblins over at from-the-shadows.blogspot.com. I promise to spend more time over here at "Poop's Funny."</i><br />
<br />
I’ve never been a fan of shopping malls. Parking lots pitted like the lunar surface, the cramped food court, Goth kids trying to show their individuality by buying from Hot Topic. Everything. <br />
<br />
I’ve always known malls are strange places; I just never thought I’d be afraid of them. Maybe it had something to do with the Christmas rush. <br />
<br />
It was Dec. 22.<br />
<br />
Although my wife and I usually try to avoid places that hold vacuums over our wallets, her brother was tough to buy for. All she could think of were chocolate-covered espresso beans. Not a popular convenience store item.<br />
<br />
“Oh, let’s look in here,” my wife said, pointing to a store I briefly considered physically injuring myself to avoid. “It’ll just be a second. Here; hold my purse.”<br />
<br />
To guys, shopping means buying beer and maybe something salty and crunchy to go with it. To women, shopping is fun. Ladies, I’ve had fun before. Shopping ain’t it.<br />
<br />
Standing in a store full of women’s clothing holding a purse, knowing my wife wasn’t going buy anything, meant three things, 1) there was no beer here, 2) there were no snacks here, and 3) if I were a dog I’d be that thing Paris Hilton carries around in a little bag.<br />
<br />
“Can we go now?” I asked just before begging kicked in.<br />
<br />
“Of course,” she said.<br />
<br />
Three stores later we bought the stupid coffee beans.<br />
<br />
“Now we can go,” she said.<br />
<br />
I shook my head. Walking into three women’s clothing stores, a child’s clothing store, and a coffee bean store had been too much. I headed for the bathroom. <br />
<br />
Bathrooms are the only sane place in a mall. They’re clean, the toilets flush by themselves, and they’re usually full of crying husbands. I did my business, wiped my own tears and walked out.<br />
<br />
“Now we can go,” I said. <br />
<br />
We grabbed two cups of overpriced coffee and walked through the crater lot. We were lucky; Neil Armstrong hadn’t planted a flag on our car.<br />
<br />
This wasn’t the experience that made me afraid of malls. <br />
<br />
This is:<br />
<br />
A few months later, I ran into a friend and he grinned at me strangely. I didn’t like that. He was big.<br />
<br />
“So, how’d you like (name of women’s clothing store)?” he asked. <br />
<br />
Suffering from Post Traumatic Mall Syndrome, I had no idea what that meant.<br />
<br />
“Huh?”<br />
<br />
“At the mall,” he said. “You entered that store at 2:45 p.m., Dec. 22.”<br />
<br />
He worked security at the mall. I’d looked for him that day, but never saw him. I. never. saw. him.<br />
<br />
“At 3:12 p.m., you and your wife – who wore a red top under a green coat, you a beige top under a black coat – entered (name of second store).”<br />
<br />
He listed everything we did. Every store, my long stare at the Victoria’s Secret display pictures, even me crying in the bathroom.<br />
<br />
“How’d you know all that?” I asked<br />
<br />
He smiled.<br />
<br />
“I followed you.”<br />
<br />
This is why I’m afraid of shopping malls. Malls employ people who are quieter than hybrid cars, more cunning than ninjas, and stealthier than the B-2 bomber.<br />
<br />
And they’re watching our every move.<br />
<br />
<i>Copyright 2011 by Jason Offutt<br />
<br />
Jason’s latest book, “What Lurks Beyond: The Paranormal in Your Backyard,” is available at amazon.com.<br />
</i><div class="blogger-post-footer">Feel free to share, but plagiarizers beware: I come down like a hammer, in the least-violent, most lawyer-friendly way, of course.</div>Jason Offutthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03536260451364743010noreply@blogger.com0