At 50, a lot of things can be wonky

When the human body gets to a certain age it apparently stops caring. A little extra fat here, an elevated cholesterol level there, some male pattern baldness and then let’s throw in hemorrhoids because, well, nature’s mean.

My last trip to the doctor for a yearly checkup* was spotless – except for one thing. The doctor said something was off with my liver.

My liver? My liver? Who ever thinks about their liver? Raise your hands, people. Anybody? I thought not. … Hey, you in the back. Put your hand down and stop being a smart ass.

In the course of an average day, nobody other than a butcher actively thinks about livers.

A liver is what Hannibal Lecter has for dinner with fava beans and a nice chianti. It’s what you get at the grocery store when buying a whole chicken (and if you think the liver and gizzards packaged in the cavity are from that chicken, you’re sadly mistaken). My liver is what saved me from poisoning myself with cheap booze in college lots of times. Lots and lots.

Thanks, liver.

And I have never considered my liver’s feelings. Nope. Not once.

So, what does a liver do besides taste great fried with onions?

Apparently a lot. Our friend the liver produces proteins vital for blood clotting. Thanks, liver. It breaks down fat cells and converts them into energy. Gosh, liver, I really need to show you more attention. Do you like cake?

The liver also removes toxins from the body like the kind I put into it with my old pal beer.

For the first time in my medical history, my liver enzymes were wonky. Frankly, I’m surprised it was the first time. None of this stopped my wife from telling me the test showed I probably had cancer.

Guys, the No. 1 thing to look for in a mate is not if she’s intelligent, or funny, or looks great in cotton underpants. She needs to be supportive. Thanks for being my rock, honey.

Good God, I’m 50. My liver enzymes are screwy. My wife thinks I have some kind of No-Humor Tumor. I find myself more and more often sitting when I go to the bathroom and I want to yell at neighbor kids who walk on my lawn. What else is wrong with me?

Medical science shows that when a guy turns 50, depression and dementia become more likely, as do prostate problems, bladder cancer, impotence, incontinence, testicular issues and heart disease.

Me in a few years realizing I just pooped.

That’s a hell of a lineup. Batting cleanup is No. 8 Heart Disease. The Big HD is hitting .347 with 114 RBIs.

The males in my family have a history of heart disease. It could be genetic. It could be our mutual love of pork products. It could also be that stress is a factor in heart disease and the Offutt nuclear family is called “nuclear” for a reason.

Turns out wonky liver enzymes are pretty normal and are sometimes caused by a “fatty liver.” Hmm. Fatty liver? Sounds about right. I need a sandwich.

*Go yearly, folks, especially when you’re my age because after 50, parts don’t just stop working, they fall off.

Check out Jason’s new website atwww.jasonoffutt.com.

Worst-case scenarios for 2016

The beginning of a new year is often marked with optimism. You know, a hope for a better tomorrow. But since that garbage never gets us anywhere, let’s look at 2016 through clearer, more pessimistic eyes.

But first, we’re going to return to 2014 to take a glimpse of our future past.

According to 2014’s Fortune Magazine in 2015, “Sears will return to the catalogue,” “Mom jeans get hot” and “The price of lattes will go up.”

OK, so Fortune apparently lost its edge. Let’s see what that year’s Wired said about 2015:

“Entrepreneurs will grow by five percent.”

1) Boring.

2) Even more boring.

“By 2020, the world will generate 50 times the data of just three years ago.” Nice, but since most of that increased data will be either porn or cute kitten videos, I’m not sold on its historic importance.

So, let’s hit you, dear readers, where it hurts. Here’s what’s really going to happen to us in 2016:

·      Dolphins around the globe learn to communicate. They tell us they don’t like what we’ve done with the place and demand Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers that taste like real goldfish.

No. Fuck you.

·      Adam Sandler makes more movies.

·      America stops believing in hockey.

·      Space aliens finally make first contact. They’ve learned to speak through reruns of “The Dukes of Hazzard” and nobody takes them seriously.

·      NASA announces 2005 BS1, an almost three-acre asteroid, will strike the earth in 2020 causing cataclysmic damage to the planet. Scientists predict the only things to survive will be cockroaches and Starbucks coffee shop baristas who will spell the cockroaches names wrong.

I really should have gone to the store first.

·      The zombie apocalypse is upon us and I haven’t hoarded enough canned chilli and whiskey.

·      All NFL referees are reinstated.

·      Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner has surgery to turn him/herself back into a man. Jenner now goes by the @ symbol.

·      Sylvester Stallone is hassled by a local sheriff and disappears into the wilderness.

·      Thinking it’s funny, the military names its new computerized global alert system Skynet. Our secret robot leaders are pleased.

·      Scientists create a car that can run on methane from cattle. Environmentalists are even more worried about gas emissions.

·      America is declared a “safe zone” where no one can say anything that will offend anyone else, so legally the only people who can speak are drunken German tourists.

Because naming your kid Ricin is just stupid.

·      Baby names have finally devolved into cartoon sounds. In a couple of decades there will be doctors, lawyers and airline pilots named Pfft, Twack, and Bawoosh.

·      To pay off Greece’s debt, the EU turns the country into a giant Chuck E. Cheese’s. The Parthenon is a surprisingly great venue for Skee-Ball.

·      Researchers discover a new species of lizard mutated by the Fukushima nuclear disaster.

·      Kanye West says something amazingly stupid an egocentric. Yes, again.

·      The new species of lizard attacks Tokyo.

·      A solar flare disrupts satellite communication. College students drool and bump into things, which means they can’t study, or get to Starbucks, or spell cockroaches names correctly.

·      Seeing their opportunity, talking apes take over the planet.

Thank you. It’s about time.

There'll still be Starbucks. Right Caesar?

Jason Offutt’s novel, “A Funeral Story is available at amazon.com.

Manly Holiday Movies: If it's Christmas, it must be bloody

"Rocky IV:" What says "Christmas" more than Rocky Balboa single-handedly 
ending the Cold War? 

     In the American tradition of ignoring everything non-football related after Halloween as we bully our way toward Christmas, I thought I’d take this time to reflect on one of the great American holiday traditions – movies. But not just any movies, Christmas movies.

     “It’s a Wonderful Life”? “A Christmas Story”? “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”?

     Blech.

     There’s a misunderstanding made by the casual movie fan that a Christmas movie has to be about Christmas. The film needs a message of love, hope, redemption and sappiness. Not at all. A Christmas movie is simply a movie that happens at Christmastime, and for a guy, the bloodier the better.

     So to enhance your yuletide movie watching experience, here is A Guy’s Top10 Christmas Movies of All Time:*

     10. “Psycho” (1960): What? You didn’t know the Alfred Hitchcock classic is a Christmas movie? There are Christmas decorations in the B-roll of Phoenix. That counts.

"American Psycho:" Serial killer Patrick Bateman wondering if those felt 
antlers could eviscerate that woman.

     9. “American Psycho” (2000): This wholly disturbing movie features a scene at an office Christmas party.

     8. “Batman Returns” (1992): A movie that begins with Pee Wee Herman and his co-star from “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” Diane Salinger tossing their newborn in the sewer on Christmas, it has to be a Christmas movie. It’s OK, folks. The baby survives and grows up to terrorize Gotham as The Penguin.

     7. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” (1969): Yes, Telly Savalas tries to take over the world using germ warfare, but he does so during the holidays. Ho, ho, ho. Hope you got your shopping done early, 007.

     6. “Iron Man 3” (2013): Tony Stark battles not only the Mandarin and those super freaky heat-spewing villains, but during the fight scene in Tennessee, my, oh, my, would you look at all those pretty lights.

"Gremlins:" Oh, dear God, it's cute. You hungry little fella?

     5. “Gremlins” (1984): When inventor Randall Peltzer realizes he’s nearly blown Christmas for his family, he buys a Furby-like creature from Chinatown, complete with cryptic rules. When those rules are broken, little green murderous monsters overrun his town and it’s up to two teens and a drunken snowplow operator to save them all. Now that’s Christmas.

     4. “First Blood” (1982): When ex-Green Beret John Rambo gets run out of town by a redneck sheriff, he escapes into the mountains and picks off his pursuers one-by-one – at Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

"Lethal Weapon:" It oozes holiday spirit. 

     3. “Lethal Weapon” (1987): A suicidal cop partnered with a grumpy cop? The holidays? Violence? What could go wrong?

     2. “Rocky IV” (1985): Rocky Balboa fighting a Russian killing machine on Christmas Eve at the height of the Cold War. Not only is “Rocky IV” on this list, it’s the Number One Christmas Sports movie of all time.

     1. “Die Hard” (1988): Bruce Willis vs. Alan Rickman in a skyscraper owned by a Japanese company during a Christmas party. Gunfire, blood, explosions, quippy one-liners and Santa hats make “Die Hard” the ultimate guy Christmas movie.

     Yippee-ki-yay.

"Die Hard:" The greatest Christmas movie of all time.

*Honorable mention. “Jaws: The Revenge” (1987): Sure, “Jaws: The Revenge” has a ridiculous plot (a great white takes revenge on the Brody family), it rated zero on the Rotten Tomatoes review site (if it could have gotten worse, it would have) and the tagline “This time it’s personal” isn’t even close to the first movie’s “Don't go in the water,” but the “The Revenge” is not without its charm. Especially when a 25-foot shark starts its eating frenzy a few days before Christmas.

Jason’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at amazon.com. 

The light side of the Force is pretty dark

"Star Wars" is nothing like you remembered.

I saw “Star Wars” in the theater. All six movies. Although I regret George Lucas’ blatant money grab with the prequels, the earliest three movies helped shape my childhood more than I should probably admit.

“Star Wars” showed me a simple farm boy (which I was) can be important.

“The Empire Strikes Back” helped me realize nothing is ever as it seems.

“Return of the Jedi” made me think Ewoks probably taste delicious. No, that’s not it. “Jedi” told me the good guys win in the end.

Complete dick.

Boy, did that trilogy set me up for disappointment later in life.

Here’s why:

1. Although a simple farm boy is the hero of the first trilogy, he’s not a nice guy. Luke Skywalker is, quite simply, a dick.

According to the “Luke Kill Count” at Polygon.com, during Episodes IV, V, and IV, Luke killed 369,740 people. Admittedly 342,953 were aboard the Death Star when he destroyed it to rid the galaxy of tyranny, but minus that he’s still personally responsible for enough deaths to depopulate a medium-sized city.

Given the same three movies, ultra-bad guy Darth Vader killed, oh, let’s see, 11 people. Eleven.

So, who is the real villain of “Star Wars?” What do you say, Magic 8 Ball? “Signs point to Luke Skywalker.” You might be right.

2. Although Obi Wan Kenobi plays the part of the compassionate, all-knowing mentor to Luke, he’s an asshole.

Early in the first film when Luke asks about his father, Kenobi quickly takes the stance of Blame Vader: “He betrayed and murdered your father.”

Huh? Wait. Kenobi also said he was Vader’s teacher, and Luke’s father’s friend. But Vader is Luke’s father, so maybe Kenobi isn’t actually the affable old fart he pretends to be. Kenobi is a treacherous liar who’s poisoning the mind of a young, naive farm boy simply to make him do Kenobi’s will. We'll never know where Luke pointed to on his action figure when the counselor asked, "where did he touch you?"

We're the good guys. Promise. Wanna ride in my space Camaro?

3. The only characters that care about anyone are Han and Chewbacca. Yes, the honest good guys in the entire original trilogy are a pirate and his pet Bigfoot. This includes the fact that Han Solo kills a bounty hunter and shrugs it off like he’s late for a bridge game.

The other heroes are much worse.

In “Star Wars,” Luke arrives at his home to find Stormtroopers have not only been there before him, but they murdered his uncle and aunt – the only family he’s ever known – and set them on fire on what was essentially their front porch. And he doesn’t care.

It gets darker.

When Grand Moff Tarkin ordered the destruction of the planet Alderaan, Princess Leia watched her home planet explode like a cheap firework and had all the reaction of a character from a “Twilight” movie (my wife forced them on me. I take no responsibility). She didn’t seem to care 2 billion people – including what she thinks is her family – just died.

Hopefully the upcoming “The Force Awakens” soothes the pain. My head hurts.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. May I have a pudding cup now?

Jason’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at amazon.com.

Coffee will either kill us, or turn us into superhumans

There were times when I thought my 17 years as a journalist would eventually take its toll on my health.

Missing? A bottle of scotch.

Before I go any further I must say every stereotype you’ve ever heard about journalists is true.

§  We eat horribly. Probably half a journalist’s meager paycheck goes into the vending machines in the break room, our freezer is filled with microwavable boxes and election night pizza is the greatest gift to mankind.

§  Our desks are examples of what not to do when company comes over. The only thing messier than a journalist’s desk is a town after a tornado. And there is food on that desk covered in notes from a months old city council meeting. It’s probably still good.

§  Given our penchant for correcting grammar, we’re not fun friends to have on social media. We publicly mock those we barely know for using the wrong form of “there,” and feel good about ourselves after, until we get punched in the nose.

There are plenty more correct stereotypes – don’t even get me started about hygiene. Please, don’t – but those are minor compared to the two most glaring stereotypes ever exhibited by journalists from the likes of Mike Royko to Hunter S. Thompson (if those names don’t ring a bell insert Perry White and Lou Grant).

I said that was my last beer. Back away.

The first is booze.

Many writers drink. Edgar Allen Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Faulkner, the list of whiskey-hounds is too long to finish, so I’ll skip to Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway wasn’t just a writer; he was a journalist and never met a bottle he didn’t empty, usually before noon.

But as romanticized as boozing journalists have become, journalists drink something a lot more often than alcohol ­– coffee.

According to the UK’s Guardian newspaper, 85 percent of 10,000 journalists surveyed claimed to drink at least three cups of coffee a day, and 70 percent of them “admitted that their working ability would be affected without a daily mug of coffee.” Journalists, the study found, drink more coffee than do cops.

That’s a lot. Enough to be dangerous?

Over the years coffee has been blamed for an increased risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease and schizophrenia-like symptoms. Although coffee has recently been removed from the list of Items that Cause Cancer, Cardiovascular Disease and Other Things Nature is Trying to Kill You With, it still messes with your brain.

According to livescience.com, people (journalists count as people) who drink three cups of coffee a day are “more likely to hallucinate.”

We all feel like that behind the keyboard.

Cool.

But that’s not the good news.

A recent study of 27,793 coffee drinkers over a 10-year period showed drinking three cups of coffee a day (enough to make you see things that aren’t there) protects your liver, the one thing many writers and journalists have been trying to destroy with booze all these years.

So coffee turns writers and journalists into some kind of supermen.

Did journalism give me bad heath? I think not.

Jason Offutt’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at amazon.com.

Dear Young People, Look Up From Your Phones

Dear Telegraph. Why shouldn't I be vexed? (It's British. They
wouldn't stoop to the word "upset.")

The essay by the 16-year-old British girl was upsetting. No, it was more than that; it was as annoying as that obnoxious guy who uses a semi-colon in the right place.

Sorry.

The essay, that appeared in the London Telegraph, was entitled simply, “Dear old people: why should I turn off my phone?”

Excuse me?

Well, if you weren’t too busy taking selfies in the bathroom mirror (please close the lid) I’d tell you why. While you’re at it, get off my lawn. Wait she’s British. Get out of my garden.

Geez, I sound old.

"Dear old people" author Sally Parker in a
selfie. Stop making fun of me, Sally.

“I often hear,” the girl, Sally Parker, wrote, “that my generation is absorbed in our phones and unaware of what is going on in the world. These kinds of opinions come from, unsurprisingly, people aged 45 and above – that is, the people who were not born into the world of the Internet and are used to a life without it.”

OK, Sally, I’m with you so far. We old farts are out of touch. I get that. But do you really need to take pictures of everything? No one cares what you had for lunch. And really, are you going to watch that video of the rock concert you attended, or would you remember it better if you’d just watched it?

I don’t know. Let’s ask science.

Psychology professor Maryanne Garry from the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand said in an NPR interview that seeing the world through a smartphone makes people pay less attention to what’s happening around them.

"I think that the problem is that people are giving away being in the moment," she said. "They've got a thousand photos and then they just dump the photos somewhere and don't really look at them very much."

Linda Henkel, a psychologist at Fairfield University in Connecticut, agrees. She discovered what she calls the Photo-Taking Impairment Effect.

"The objects that they had taken photos of – they actually remembered fewer of them and remembered fewer details about those objects…rather than if they had just looked at them,” she told NPR.

Then there’s the Internet.

“Another myth this pre-Internet generation has come up with,” Parker wrote, “is that we are just mindlessly scrolling on our phones. When you see a teenager with a friend, one on their phone and not talking to the other, you have no idea what they are doing. The one on their phone could be looking up an article they read on the Conservative party conference.”

Or they could just be playing Candy Crush.

Parker defends her generation’s use of the Internet on their phones because they use it for research. Problem is, they probably aren’t learning anything.

Hint: Not me, ever.

Adrian F. Ward, a researcher at the University of Colorado and Matthew Fisher of Yale University discovered in different studies that most people using the Internet to answer questions (59 percent of those studied) were only in it for an answer, not knowledge. Fisher found that students became overly confident of their understanding of a subject just because they’d looked it up on Google.

"In that Internet mindset, you think you know things," Fisher said. “People are more inclined to remember where the information is stored than the information itself.”

Although I am in Sally Parker’s “aged 45 and above” category, I do understand one thing. This world is one massive solar flare away from losing all our communication satellites. If that happens, I might just read a book, or take a walk. And if I take a walk, I’ll try not to step on anyone younger than me who’s curled into the fetal position because their phone doesn’t work.

Jason’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available as an e-book at amazon.com.