Diary of a book signing

Two p.m., March 25, Borders Books, Lee’s Summit, Mo.

1:45 p.m.: Arrive with wife, baby and a box of books. Hope I put on enough deodorant.

1:50 p.m.: Talk to manager about how I get paid, set up display at table, scope out bathrooms.

2 p.m.: Book signing starts. Nobody shows up.

2:05 p.m.: Wife takes baby to children’s section.

2:14 p.m.: Couple pauses at table. Are they interested? Are they going to talk to me? Are they going to buy a book? I’m so lonely. No, they’re looking at a movie display behind my head.

2:30 p.m.: I start doodling.

2:45 p.m.: Wife and baby stop by. Wife tells me baby’s fussy so they’re going to Target.

3 p.m.: Manager brings me an iced tea.

3:27 p.m.: Glad I scoped out the bathrooms earlier.

3:50 p.m.: Where is everyone? Did the world end and no one bother to tell me? Oh, wait…

3:51 p.m.: Friends stop by, chat, buy book. Cool.

4 p.m.: Couple I’ve never met stop by just to see me. Their last name’s Offutt, too. Have a nice conversation and sign a book.

4:10 p.m.: I sold another book. Things are rolling now. People are coming in. Feelings of abandonment leaving ...

4:20 p.m.: Wife and baby come back. Baby sits on my lap and grabs at whatever’s in arm’s reach that I’ll have to pay for if he destroys.

4:35 p.m.: Guy I met in a college writing class stops by to buy a book. Hadn’t seen him since the Bronze Age. Good to see you, Dennis.

5 p.m.: Book signing over. Want beer. Go home.

Thanks to everyone for stopping by.