Thursday, May 01, 2008

My Kid Can Talk – Now I Can't Get Away With Anything

My life has changed. The change was drastic, but it happened so slowly I didn’t realize anything was different until I got busted – our three-year-old can tattle.

(A clip from the 2007 Emmy Award-winning sitcom hit, “The Toddler and Me.”)

My wife: Did you give our son chocolate milk?

Me: Pfft. No. Of course not. Remember, we agreed chocolate milk was a special treat. I’m saving it for his high school graduation. Shhh. It’s a surprise.

(Cue laugh track.)

The Boy: Goot blot habba poo.

My wife: OK, I’m glad we’re on the same page.

(Cue laugh track.)

It was a perfect balance of the Boy’s perception of the world (everything’s big and I’m hungry), his ability to express that perception (Hey, big people. If I don’t get some peanut butter and crackers pronto, there will be screeching), and the fact that I like to give him chocolate milk for no reason.

At the time, I thought what my wife didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. The problem is, now she knows and, yes, it hurts.

(A clip from the 2008 Emmy Award-winning drama, “That Dead Dad.”)

My wife: Did you give our son candy?

Me: No. Of course not, he didn’t finish his peas.

The Boy: I got Tootsie Rolls, Mom. And a sucker.

(Cue ominous orchestral music.)

My wife: I thought we agreed … oh, never mind. You’re taking that quiz in Parenting Today’s Child Who Has One Crappy Parent Magazine, mister. And tomorrow night, we’re watching the Dr. Phil special, “My son’s in al-Qaida because my idiot husband fed him Twix.”

Oh, yeah. Things have changed.

1) I can no longer watch Dirty Harry movies while the children are awake. Although a three-year-old saying, “Do you feel lucky today? Well, do ya, punk?” might sound adorable to you, when those words come out of their kid, most mothers have a worse sense of humor than the CIA.

2) I can no longer imitate Mommy when she’s not watching.

The Boy: Oh, look at me. I’m Mommy. I say “no.” I make corn flakes for breakfast. I say “blah, blah, blah…”

My wife: Where did he learn that?

Me: TV. PBS sure has gone downhill.

The Boy: Daddy, show her what she looks like when she’s sleeping.

3) I can no longer go to Hooters.

My wife: So, what did you two do for lunch?

Me: We had chicken.

The Boy: The jiggly lady in orange pants gave Daddy beer and hot wings.

Me: (Cue the laugh track. For the love of God, please cue the laugh track.)

4) I can no longer watch sports in front of the children. One little “@#$% after an interception and guess who’s in trouble for something somebody repeated in Sunday school? A wife’s perception of what’s right and what’s wrong obviously doesn’t include a quarterback throwing into double coverage.

Just wait until you’re a teenager kid, then guess who’ll be tattling to Mommy.

Copyright 2008 by Jason Offutt

Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is available at, or Visit Jason’s Web site,, for his other books.