Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Don't mess with the tiger

The movie was over. I hit stop as the credits for people like gaffer and best boy crawled across the TV screen. If you’re the mom of a best boy, I’m sorry I didn’t tough it out.

“I liked it,” my wife said, picking an empty bowl off the floor. The bowl once held popcorn; now most of the popcorn was on my shirt. “What’d you think?”

Hmm. We’d wanted to watch this movie for a long time. Her aunt told us to run – not walk – to the theater to see it. We didn’t. It earned an Academy Award, but so did Al Gore. I guess that should have told me what was going on in Hollywood this year. And critics loved the movie mainly because, I assume, they got in free.

Me? I didn’t like it. Oh, sure, I laughed a couple of times, but I laugh when someone gets mauled while petting a tiger. It’s a tiger. That’s what they do, moron.

“I didn’t like it,” I said, not knowing what the next 10 minutes would bring. You know, if someone ever invents time travel, I’ll look a lot smarter. “If we’d seen this at the theater, I may have walked out.”

Yeah, if I’d traveled forward in time, I’d have seen the tiger who looks like my wife and changed my story.

“What?” my wife said in the same tone she used when I brought home a 30-pack of beer and tried to explain to her how economically savvy it is to buy in bulk. “You would not have walked out of the theater. You’re just saying that because you’re too cool to like something someone else likes.”

Hey, I wasn’t ready for that. I also wasn’t quite sure what that meant.

I was expecting to receive the news that I was insensitive, stubborn, and I probably caused the Great Depression. And oh, by the way, buying that 30-pack was probably not a good idea.

What I got was mauled.

Guys, if you haven’t realized this by now I can only assume you’re three years old, so put down this column, you can’t read – girls play dirty; especially when they’re mad.

“You just can’t let yourself like something my family recommended,” she finished.

Yeah, that was it. That was the whole thing. The tigress was simply defending her territory.

I’d seen this behavior in my wife before. Her mom has a spaghetti sauce recipe – a family recipe. Everybody in the family loves it. Well, everybody but me. I told my wife that with the understanding she never tell her mother. So, she told her mother.

What’s the lesson? Don’t mess with the tiger.

So, following that rule, I’m not telling you which movie we watched. Nope, I’m not telling. If there’s one thing I’ve learned out of all this is to keep my mouth shut.

Copyright 2007 by Jason Offutt

Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to Missouri’s Most Spirited Spots,” is coming in May. FREE SHIPPING when you order online at: https://tsup.truman.edu/store/ViewBook.aspx?Book=849. Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com, for his other books.