Monday, December 14, 2015

The light side of the Force is pretty dark

"Star Wars" is nothing like you remembered.
I saw “Star Wars” in the theater. All six movies. Although I regret George Lucas’ blatant money grab with the prequels, the earliest three movies helped shape my childhood more than I should probably admit.
“Star Wars” showed me a simple farm boy (which I was) can be important.
“The Empire Strikes Back” helped me realize nothing is ever as it seems.
“Return of the Jedi” made me think Ewoks probably taste delicious. No, that’s not it. “Jedi” told me the good guys win in the end.
Complete dick.
Boy, did that trilogy set me up for disappointment later in life.
Here’s why:
1. Although a simple farm boy is the hero of the first trilogy, he’s not a nice guy. Luke Skywalker is, quite simply, a dick.
According to the “Luke Kill Count” at, during Episodes IV, V, and IV, Luke killed 369,740 people. Admittedly 342,953 were aboard the Death Star when he destroyed it to rid the galaxy of tyranny, but minus that he’s still personally responsible for enough deaths to depopulate a medium-sized city.
Given the same three movies, ultra-bad guy Darth Vader killed, oh, let’s see, 11 people. Eleven.
So, who is the real villain of “Star Wars?” What do you say, Magic 8 Ball? “Signs point to Luke Skywalker.” You might be right.
2. Although Obi Wan Kenobi plays the part of the compassionate, all-knowing mentor to Luke, he’s an asshole.
Early in the first film when Luke asks about his father, Kenobi quickly takes the stance of Blame Vader: “He betrayed and murdered your father.”
Huh? Wait. Kenobi also said he was Vader’s teacher, and Luke’s father’s friend. But Vader is Luke’s father, so maybe Kenobi isn’t actually the affable old fart he pretends to be. Kenobi is a treacherous liar who’s poisoning the mind of a young, naive farm boy simply to make him do Kenobi’s will. We'll never know where Luke pointed to on his action figure when the counselor asked, "where did he touch you?"
We're the good guys. Promise. Wanna ride in my space Camaro?
3. The only characters that care about anyone are Han and Chewbacca. Yes, the honest good guys in the entire original trilogy are a pirate and his pet Bigfoot. This includes the fact that Han Solo kills a bounty hunter and shrugs it off like he’s late for a bridge game.
The other heroes are much worse.
In “Star Wars,” Luke arrives at his home to find Stormtroopers have not only been there before him, but they murdered his uncle and aunt – the only family he’s ever known – and set them on fire on what was essentially their front porch. And he doesn’t care.
It gets darker.
When Grand Moff Tarkin ordered the destruction of the planet Alderaan, Princess Leia watched her home planet explode like a cheap firework and had all the reaction of a character from a “Twilight” movie (my wife forced them on me. I take no responsibility). She didn’t seem to care 2 billion people – including what she thinks is her family – just died.
Hopefully the upcoming “The Force Awakens” soothes the pain. My head hurts.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. May I have a pudding cup now?
Jason’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at

No comments: